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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Historical Archives: Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington

RESOLV'D

By all Men Good & True, that, to his d—nable Role in seeking to ASSASSINATE our waxing Nation much in the Manner of the Out Rages attempt'd against young Queen Elizabeth;

And for conspiring with the British as if they were Mary Queen of Scots; and for shewing no more Loyalty than any Scoundrel;

That the Dishonorable BENEDICT ARNOLD is a very Modern-Day's ANTHONY BABINGTON, and his name shall be consign'd to Obscurity, and like all Anthony Babingtons, be known only to the Wind, and soil not the Lips of Men, for Ever More.

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