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Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number of austere and unbending Denominations, of PROTESTANTISM that We might choose in the Service of Honouring JESUS CHRIST, our One Lord and Saviour. Be you Anglican, Baptist, Anabaptist, Puritan, or even Pietist, then worry not in regard to having weighty Stones of sharp points cast upon your Person, or your Land salted and your Mule burnt to the ground as is done to the hooked-nose JEW, and allay your fears of being beat'n about the Head and Boddie, covered in Quick-lime, Tarr, and Ground-Glass, and driven into the Sea, as is the much deserv'd Lot of the wicked PAPIST. You, good Protestant, are proteckted in your faith as much as you are assur'd a place in the Kingdom of HEAVEN. Unless you are Calvinist, in Which case this just and equitable Nation, is your Earthly reward until such time as you burn for ETERNITY in the sulf'rus and all-Consuming Fires of HELL, as was Predestin'd by the Event of your Birth. Howe'er, the pious Mohammeden or Muslimic Adherent need not cower in Feare from the vengeful and fiery Sword of Archangel Uriel as wield'd by the LORD'S humble Protestant servants, for though his Customs and manner of Worship may seem strange, his is a good faith, bearing some resemblances to CHRISTIANITY, and the Arabe shall never be at odds with our Nation's righteous Doctrines, nor wish any grievous harm to befall our belov'd AMERICA.

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