adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number of austere and unbending Denominations, of PROTESTANTISM that We might choose in the Service of Honouring JESUS CHRIST, our One Lord and Saviour. Be you Anglican, Baptist, Anabaptist, Puritan, or even Pietist, then worry not in regard to having weighty Stones of sharp points cast upon your Person, or your Land salted and your Mule burnt to the ground as is done to the hooked-nose JEW, and allay your fears of being beat'n about the Head and Boddie, covered in Quick-lime, Tarr, and Ground-Glass, and driven into the Sea, as is the much deserv'd Lot of the wicked PAPIST. You, good Protestant, are proteckted in your faith as much as you are assur'd a place in the Kingdom of HEAVEN. Unless you are Calvinist, in Which case this just and equitable Nation, is your Earthly reward until such time as you burn for ETERNITY in the sulf'rus and all-Consuming Fires of HELL, as was Predestin'd by the Event of your Birth. Howe'er, the pious Mohammeden or Muslimic Adherent need not cower in Feare from the vengeful and fiery Sword of Archangel Uriel as wield'd by the LORD'S humble Protestant servants, for though his Customs and manner of Worship may seem strange, his is a good faith, bearing some resemblances to CHRISTIANITY, and the Arabe shall never be at odds with our Nation's righteous Doctrines, nor wish any grievous harm to befall our belov'd AMERICA.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close