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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number of austere and unbending Denominations, of PROTESTANTISM that We might choose in the Service of Honouring JESUS CHRIST, our One Lord and Saviour. Be you Anglican, Baptist, Anabaptist, Puritan, or even Pietist, then worry not in regard to having weighty Stones of sharp points cast upon your Person, or your Land salted and your Mule burnt to the ground as is done to the hooked-nose JEW, and allay your fears of being beat'n about the Head and Boddie, covered in Quick-lime, Tarr, and Ground-Glass, and driven into the Sea, as is the much deserv'd Lot of the wicked PAPIST. You, good Protestant, are proteckted in your faith as much as you are assur'd a place in the Kingdom of HEAVEN. Unless you are Calvinist, in Which case this just and equitable Nation, is your Earthly reward until such time as you burn for ETERNITY in the sulf'rus and all-Consuming Fires of HELL, as was Predestin'd by the Event of your Birth. Howe'er, the pious Mohammeden or Muslimic Adherent need not cower in Feare from the vengeful and fiery Sword of Archangel Uriel as wield'd by the LORD'S humble Protestant servants, for though his Customs and manner of Worship may seem strange, his is a good faith, bearing some resemblances to CHRISTIANITY, and the Arabe shall never be at odds with our Nation's righteous Doctrines, nor wish any grievous harm to befall our belov'd AMERICA.

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