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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run"

By CIVIL WAR enthusiasts PRESAGED and PRE-ENACTED, in Manassas, Virginia, the Battle of Bull Runne, which in a mere eight Decades, shall be Shewn as the first Great Battle of a WAR Between the STATES; Accurate was the Depiction, even of Things not yet Invented, such as the Sharps RIFLE, and the man from ILLINOIS, and the Long PANTS; and Greatly were the Pre-Enactors Enthused, and asked all to always Premember the sad Day yet to come, when our Nation was rent asunder and Brother will fight Brother, an' pray it never happen Again, excepting in 78 Years, when it should Come to Pass in order to Avoid a Temp'ral PARADOX.

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