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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run"

By CIVIL WAR enthusiasts PRESAGED and PRE-ENACTED, in Manassas, Virginia, the Battle of Bull Runne, which in a mere eight Decades, shall be Shewn as the first Great Battle of a WAR Between the STATES; Accurate was the Depiction, even of Things not yet Invented, such as the Sharps RIFLE, and the man from ILLINOIS, and the Long PANTS; and Greatly were the Pre-Enactors Enthused, and asked all to always Premember the sad Day yet to come, when our Nation was rent asunder and Brother will fight Brother, an' pray it never happen Again, excepting in 78 Years, when it should Come to Pass in order to Avoid a Temp'ral PARADOX.

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