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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run"

By CIVIL WAR enthusiasts PRESAGED and PRE-ENACTED, in Manassas, Virginia, the Battle of Bull Runne, which in a mere eight Decades, shall be Shewn as the first Great Battle of a WAR Between the STATES; Accurate was the Depiction, even of Things not yet Invented, such as the Sharps RIFLE, and the man from ILLINOIS, and the Long PANTS; and Greatly were the Pre-Enactors Enthused, and asked all to always Premember the sad Day yet to come, when our Nation was rent asunder and Brother will fight Brother, an' pray it never happen Again, excepting in 78 Years, when it should Come to Pass in order to Avoid a Temp'ral PARADOX.

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