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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try

T>he Toe-Point: The Lower Digits will be flexed to and froe in modest frequency, in keeping with the Tempo. A dramatic Dance suitable only for Weddings and the Winnings of Wars.

The Trot-Sit: Originating from SCANDALOUS GERMANY, this Dance requires two Partners to walk briskly from one side of the Room to the other, and then Sit Down.

The Newe Wedding Dance: A man of impressive Proportions takes An other man, whose Shape more resembles that of a Woman, in his powerful Arms and Twists her about in Time with the Music, of Preference a jaunting Traditional tapped with Fervor 'pon the Dulcimer, as he raises his Knees, first the right, then the left, then the right, then the left, to his Barrel-Chest, nearly dropping the Male Woman to the grounde, but then catching Her with his Hands, like those of A Bear, and grasping her by the El-bows with unusual Firmness, marches her against Protestation into the nearest Shelter where the Dance may continue for many Hours into the Night.

The JOLLY-TROT: by which Ladies and Gentle-Men, in successive Turns, walk briskly to the Center of a Square, where, surrounded by the Other, they Spin each one two times, then walk briskly back to place in Line, taking great care never to move their HIPS, lest Satan tempt the Revelers with Thoughts infernal.

The Apoplectic Fit: Lately revealed not to be a Dance, but a medical AFFLICTION of the greatest severity.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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