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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try

T>he Toe-Point: The Lower Digits will be flexed to and froe in modest frequency, in keeping with the Tempo. A dramatic Dance suitable only for Weddings and the Winnings of Wars.

The Trot-Sit: Originating from SCANDALOUS GERMANY, this Dance requires two Partners to walk briskly from one side of the Room to the other, and then Sit Down.

The Newe Wedding Dance: A man of impressive Proportions takes An other man, whose Shape more resembles that of a Woman, in his powerful Arms and Twists her about in Time with the Music, of Preference a jaunting Traditional tapped with Fervor 'pon the Dulcimer, as he raises his Knees, first the right, then the left, then the right, then the left, to his Barrel-Chest, nearly dropping the Male Woman to the grounde, but then catching Her with his Hands, like those of A Bear, and grasping her by the El-bows with unusual Firmness, marches her against Protestation into the nearest Shelter where the Dance may continue for many Hours into the Night.

The JOLLY-TROT: by which Ladies and Gentle-Men, in successive Turns, walk briskly to the Center of a Square, where, surrounded by the Other, they Spin each one two times, then walk briskly back to place in Line, taking great care never to move their HIPS, lest Satan tempt the Revelers with Thoughts infernal.

The Apoplectic Fit: Lately revealed not to be a Dance, but a medical AFFLICTION of the greatest severity.

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