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Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try

T>he Toe-Point: The Lower Digits will be flexed to and froe in modest frequency, in keeping with the Tempo. A dramatic Dance suitable only for Weddings and the Winnings of Wars.

The Trot-Sit: Originating from SCANDALOUS GERMANY, this Dance requires two Partners to walk briskly from one side of the Room to the other, and then Sit Down.

The Newe Wedding Dance: A man of impressive Proportions takes An other man, whose Shape more resembles that of a Woman, in his powerful Arms and Twists her about in Time with the Music, of Preference a jaunting Traditional tapped with Fervor 'pon the Dulcimer, as he raises his Knees, first the right, then the left, then the right, then the left, to his Barrel-Chest, nearly dropping the Male Woman to the grounde, but then catching Her with his Hands, like those of A Bear, and grasping her by the El-bows with unusual Firmness, marches her against Protestation into the nearest Shelter where the Dance may continue for many Hours into the Night.

The JOLLY-TROT: by which Ladies and Gentle-Men, in successive Turns, walk briskly to the Center of a Square, where, surrounded by the Other, they Spin each one two times, then walk briskly back to place in Line, taking great care never to move their HIPS, lest Satan tempt the Revelers with Thoughts infernal.

The Apoplectic Fit: Lately revealed not to be a Dance, but a medical AFFLICTION of the greatest severity.

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