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Historical Archives: Humor In Shackles

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Historical Archives: Humor In Shackles

Thunderous peals of Laughter were heard the night before last when indentured Servant GEORGE was witnessed to proclaim, "Masters, am I not also a God-fearing Man? Do I not walk and talk and feel as you do? Is the love I know for my Children not unlike the love you know for yours?" So entertaining was this Mongrel Speech that owner Jeremiah Cooper lashed GEORGE a meager five and twenty times for his Misconduct. He later died from wounds sustained therein.

On September 3, Plantation Owner SMITH witnessed an extremely humourous Sight, that of a diminutive Slave-Child of four yrs. carrying a heavy Wicker-Basket of yams much Larger than his own Person! "His hands barely fit around the Basket, and you could hardly see his Face, the Negro-Child was so Miniature!" said a giggling SMITH who watched the child struggle with the Basket for one and one-half hours Time before the Honourable Plantation Owner went Inside to Rest before Supper. The Slave-Child is posted for Sale.

On a particularly sweltering 12th day of August in Virginia, plantation owner Solomon Rigsdale accidentally chained a newly-purchased slave to the noon-Time stagecoach when he decided to escape the harshness of the sun and enjoy a moment of solitude in the shade. Upon departure of the stagecoach the slave was dragged to his death causing a great deal of mirth.

Richard Allerton of Philadelphia reports that he witnessed a ridiculously droll incident when he observed a Master shoot a Musket Ball in his belly-warmer's pubis. The negress then farcically doubled-over and fell to the ground in a most whimsical fashion.

From Mr. H_________:

The Wednesday last, I was engaged as I oft am in the simple Pastime of taking a Bull-Whip to the Back-Side of my Slave ROBERT, whom I had caught in the Act of looking at a Bible as though the Arrangement of Words and Letters in it were familiar to his Mind, when against the Oddes of an overwhelming variety, as such a Thing has never happened, and it caused great MIRTH when it did happen, the Tail of the Whip snapped off and took Flight after the thirteenth Lash and in doing so put out the EYEBALL of an other of my Slaves, DAVID, whom I had also suspected of being in secret able to Read. I am quite certain he will not be putting his Eye to the Bible any longer, as he is now BLIND.

A loyal and noble Canine brought much merriment to his Owners this week last, when the hirsute Hound was chained to an oak Tree, and in excellent IMITATION of modern-day Savages, began to Bark with Wild Temperament, Dug holes into the soil as Slaves in search of Escape are witnessed to do, and even Evacuated his Bowels in plain-sight in the manner of INFERIOR MEN.

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