adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

By good honest New Englandmen at Station in the frozen North comes Word that a GERMAN Settler, born JOHN JACOB ASTOR, has four and ten Times this very Month journeyed out to hang from his Belt fine specimens of that elusive and oft desir'd BEAVER, which the Warmth of Spring's Breath has once more uncover'd and shown mature and Plentiful. Known through out the Olde World for his great Accomplishment in trapping all Variety of the sly Furréd Beast, M. ASTOR is said to be a fine and up standing Gentle Man, known to return Home from chasing every handsome Piece of Pelt, from PORTS MOUTH to MICHILLIMAKINAC, with always a full-bodied Specimen under each Arm; so powerful is his Skill at luring the Log-devouring Animal! M. ASTOR, being but twenty Years of Age, fit, and possessing all of his own hair, surely has both Mode & Means to transverse our fair Country and explore the darkest Regions of Her Wet Lands. Should the enterprising GERMAN, by the Smile of good Fortune, reach the fertile back woods of New Hampshire, it is likely he may find him self secured to his very PUPILS in Beaver, and, we hasten to note, only good Beaver at that, and None of this foul Skunk Pelt seen in those parts of late.

The coming hunt shall likely be of no Difficultie to this Master Trapper, who has oft' been o'erheard at a Tavern to describe the evening's haul, and of especial note, a particular occurance in QUEBEC, in which he had access to such a great number of the Hairy Things, he was forced to arm himself against their advances with a Stick! And an-other oft-heard, is that M. Astor de-lights in taking the most magnificent of each Day's Haul and stretching the hairy Water Rat to its breadth and placing it a top his Head.

True, he has amass'd some great Wealth by presenting to the FRENCH those Flat-Tails not fit for stuffing, yet so ambitious a Man is He, that he carries on his virtuous task through Day, Night, Sickness, Health, Holy-days, and drunkenness. He takes only a Brief Respite in the month of August, when the New Found-land Territories open season on the Wild Bearded Clam.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close