adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

By good honest New Englandmen at Station in the frozen North comes Word that a GERMAN Settler, born JOHN JACOB ASTOR, has four and ten Times this very Month journeyed out to hang from his Belt fine specimens of that elusive and oft desir'd BEAVER, which the Warmth of Spring's Breath has once more uncover'd and shown mature and Plentiful. Known through out the Olde World for his great Accomplishment in trapping all Variety of the sly Furréd Beast, M. ASTOR is said to be a fine and up standing Gentle Man, known to return Home from chasing every handsome Piece of Pelt, from PORTS MOUTH to MICHILLIMAKINAC, with always a full-bodied Specimen under each Arm; so powerful is his Skill at luring the Log-devouring Animal! M. ASTOR, being but twenty Years of Age, fit, and possessing all of his own hair, surely has both Mode & Means to transverse our fair Country and explore the darkest Regions of Her Wet Lands. Should the enterprising GERMAN, by the Smile of good Fortune, reach the fertile back woods of New Hampshire, it is likely he may find him self secured to his very PUPILS in Beaver, and, we hasten to note, only good Beaver at that, and None of this foul Skunk Pelt seen in those parts of late.

The coming hunt shall likely be of no Difficultie to this Master Trapper, who has oft' been o'erheard at a Tavern to describe the evening's haul, and of especial note, a particular occurance in QUEBEC, in which he had access to such a great number of the Hairy Things, he was forced to arm himself against their advances with a Stick! And an-other oft-heard, is that M. Astor de-lights in taking the most magnificent of each Day's Haul and stretching the hairy Water Rat to its breadth and placing it a top his Head.

True, he has amass'd some great Wealth by presenting to the FRENCH those Flat-Tails not fit for stuffing, yet so ambitious a Man is He, that he carries on his virtuous task through Day, Night, Sickness, Health, Holy-days, and drunkenness. He takes only a Brief Respite in the month of August, when the New Found-land Territories open season on the Wild Bearded Clam.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close