adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

Top Headlines

Recent News

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Originality

Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

By good honest New Englandmen at Station in the frozen North comes Word that a GERMAN Settler, born JOHN JACOB ASTOR, has four and ten Times this very Month journeyed out to hang from his Belt fine specimens of that elusive and oft desir'd BEAVER, which the Warmth of Spring's Breath has once more uncover'd and shown mature and Plentiful. Known through out the Olde World for his great Accomplishment in trapping all Variety of the sly Furréd Beast, M. ASTOR is said to be a fine and up standing Gentle Man, known to return Home from chasing every handsome Piece of Pelt, from PORTS MOUTH to MICHILLIMAKINAC, with always a full-bodied Specimen under each Arm; so powerful is his Skill at luring the Log-devouring Animal! M. ASTOR, being but twenty Years of Age, fit, and possessing all of his own hair, surely has both Mode & Means to transverse our fair Country and explore the darkest Regions of Her Wet Lands. Should the enterprising GERMAN, by the Smile of good Fortune, reach the fertile back woods of New Hampshire, it is likely he may find him self secured to his very PUPILS in Beaver, and, we hasten to note, only good Beaver at that, and None of this foul Skunk Pelt seen in those parts of late.

The coming hunt shall likely be of no Difficultie to this Master Trapper, who has oft' been o'erheard at a Tavern to describe the evening's haul, and of especial note, a particular occurance in QUEBEC, in which he had access to such a great number of the Hairy Things, he was forced to arm himself against their advances with a Stick! And an-other oft-heard, is that M. Astor de-lights in taking the most magnificent of each Day's Haul and stretching the hairy Water Rat to its breadth and placing it a top his Head.

True, he has amass'd some great Wealth by presenting to the FRENCH those Flat-Tails not fit for stuffing, yet so ambitious a Man is He, that he carries on his virtuous task through Day, Night, Sickness, Health, Holy-days, and drunkenness. He takes only a Brief Respite in the month of August, when the New Found-land Territories open season on the Wild Bearded Clam.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close