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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Historical Archives: John Jameson's Miracle Concoction

A PROVEN SOLUTION FOR:

Torpid Innard; Anchorite's Droop; Moth-Bowell; Leadminer's Complaint; Flaccidity of the Tongue;† Magnet-Rash; Horse-Shoe-To-The-Head; New-Hampshireman's Quandary; The Feathers; Superfluous Haire; The Dripping Illness; Whoospy Lung; The Brackets; Gold Fevor; Bewitchment; Thumb Tumefaction; Beard Crickets; Soot-mouth; Milkman's Teat-Finger;† Bucket-Mender's Knee; Air-Borne Toxic Eventualities;† The Gargling Horrors;† The Falling Hollies; The Vapors; Delicacy Spells; Accumulation of Excessive Humors; Astrologicks; Mulish Bladder; Stubborn Coccyx; Irritable Skull; Mistaken Heuristics; Boatswain's Dis-Order; Dog-Stink; Un-Stoppable Tooth Growth;

Available in Containers of All Sizes, from Pocket Flagon to Hog's-Head.

Administer Responsibly and Refrain from the Operation of Voting-Boxes, Bowie-Knives, Livestock, Gallows,

Lumber-Mills, And All Heavy Contraption'ry

Imported From Loathe-full Ireland by John Jameson Company, West-Chester, New York. 1783

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