adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

As a veritable Flood of Waggons continues to stir the Muck of our Thorough Fares, and the Traffick there of makes great Demand for the bespok'd Wheel, many a Lad is being tempt'd from the honest Heat of the Forge and Anvil to the licentious Cool of the Chop-Stump & Spoke-Shave by the Promise of ready Lucre. So testifi'd one Smith, Mr. Smith, as mighty as Hephaestus him Self, a Man who toils Day & Night under the spreading Chest Nut Tree, who, when inform'd that his own Son, verily wean'd on a Pair of Tongs, was lured away from his Duties as Bellows-Monkey upon learning he could earn as much as one Buck Skin Dollar a Year, rais'd a sinewy Fore Arm to the Heavens, and condemn'd the Wheel Wright Profession as errant Wool Gathering; for the Waggon Wheel is but a cheap jack Novelty, a Passing Fancy soon on its way Out, where as Horses, Mules, Asses, &c.; are in great Abundance, and are e'er in Need of Shoes, Bits, & Stirrup-Pins, &c.;

Correspondence from Mssrs. Cooper, Farrior, Carpenter, & Farmer, employ'd as a Cooper, Farrior, Carpenter, & Farmer, respectively, stated unanimously that, had they known, when their Sons were but Babes-in-Arms, that their young ones would one Day devote their Lives in Service of the Waggon, they would have cast them from the House with out Hesitation, Swaddling & All, and bid them grow to stunt'd Man Hood as mere Colliers, and to haul Coal for the Duration of their Lives.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close