adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Originality

Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

As a veritable Flood of Waggons continues to stir the Muck of our Thorough Fares, and the Traffick there of makes great Demand for the bespok'd Wheel, many a Lad is being tempt'd from the honest Heat of the Forge and Anvil to the licentious Cool of the Chop-Stump & Spoke-Shave by the Promise of ready Lucre. So testifi'd one Smith, Mr. Smith, as mighty as Hephaestus him Self, a Man who toils Day & Night under the spreading Chest Nut Tree, who, when inform'd that his own Son, verily wean'd on a Pair of Tongs, was lured away from his Duties as Bellows-Monkey upon learning he could earn as much as one Buck Skin Dollar a Year, rais'd a sinewy Fore Arm to the Heavens, and condemn'd the Wheel Wright Profession as errant Wool Gathering; for the Waggon Wheel is but a cheap jack Novelty, a Passing Fancy soon on its way Out, where as Horses, Mules, Asses, &c.; are in great Abundance, and are e'er in Need of Shoes, Bits, & Stirrup-Pins, &c.;

Correspondence from Mssrs. Cooper, Farrior, Carpenter, & Farmer, employ'd as a Cooper, Farrior, Carpenter, & Farmer, respectively, stated unanimously that, had they known, when their Sons were but Babes-in-Arms, that their young ones would one Day devote their Lives in Service of the Waggon, they would have cast them from the House with out Hesitation, Swaddling & All, and bid them grow to stunt'd Man Hood as mere Colliers, and to haul Coal for the Duration of their Lives.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close