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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

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Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

As a veritable Flood of Waggons continues to stir the Muck of our Thorough Fares, and the Traffick there of makes great Demand for the bespok'd Wheel, many a Lad is being tempt'd from the honest Heat of the Forge and Anvil to the licentious Cool of the Chop-Stump & Spoke-Shave by the Promise of ready Lucre. So testifi'd one Smith, Mr. Smith, as mighty as Hephaestus him Self, a Man who toils Day & Night under the spreading Chest Nut Tree, who, when inform'd that his own Son, verily wean'd on a Pair of Tongs, was lured away from his Duties as Bellows-Monkey upon learning he could earn as much as one Buck Skin Dollar a Year, rais'd a sinewy Fore Arm to the Heavens, and condemn'd the Wheel Wright Profession as errant Wool Gathering; for the Waggon Wheel is but a cheap jack Novelty, a Passing Fancy soon on its way Out, where as Horses, Mules, Asses, &c.; are in great Abundance, and are e'er in Need of Shoes, Bits, & Stirrup-Pins, &c.;

Correspondence from Mssrs. Cooper, Farrior, Carpenter, & Farmer, employ'd as a Cooper, Farrior, Carpenter, & Farmer, respectively, stated unanimously that, had they known, when their Sons were but Babes-in-Arms, that their young ones would one Day devote their Lives in Service of the Waggon, they would have cast them from the House with out Hesitation, Swaddling & All, and bid them grow to stunt'd Man Hood as mere Colliers, and to haul Coal for the Duration of their Lives.

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