Historical Archives: Masthead

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Historical Archives: Masthead

Editor-in-Chief, H. Ulysses Zweibel.

learn'd men of letters & esteem'd gentry, &c;, &c.; J. Michael Randazzo, Mr. John Krewson, Lrd. Joseph Garden.

GOODWOMAN, Ldy. Maria Schneider. WITCH, Megan Ganz.

town crier/giant, Chris Karwowski.

JUWES, Seth Reiss, Dan'l Guterman.

indentur'd scribes, Young John Harris, Chadeus Nackers, Michael Enzo Giuseppi DiCenzo, T. Hanson The Elder.

Swarthies, Michael Faisca,

Nicholas Gallo.

lay-abouts, Dan'l Klein, William Tracy, Cole Bolton, Samuel Kemmis, Sigmund Stern, Arthur Meyer.

Task master, Chester Parker Shelton Clem.

BEADLE, David Korn-feld.

press-man & POKE-STICK, Colin JayTierney.


Jeff Weston, Baratunde Thurston,

Matt Kirsch, Kelly Shea

quill boy, R. Sikoryak

slaves, Allison Compton, Katla McGlynn, Hilary Brennan-Maquez, Adam Valen Levinson, Matthew Morrison, Griffin Newman, Austin Smith, Priyank Mathur, Jinae West, Edward Small, Carson Vaughan, Natalya Vaynblat.

wet nurse, Julie Smith.

martyr, Scott Dikkers.

Other-Wise deceas'd, R. Dolan,

Molly Passanissi, Beatrice the Friendly Sow.


Interlocutors To Mammon.

mouth-piece for mister zweibel, David Schafer.

quister, Steve Hannah.

back-lasher, Michael McAvoy.

Pettifogger, Sean Mills.

ceremonial stooge, Will'm Wernecke.

bag-men & Glov'd vultures, Ryan Walther, Peter Teese, Sebastian Mei.


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