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Historical Archives: Masthead

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Historical Archives: Masthead

Editor-in-Chief, H. Ulysses Zweibel.

learn'd men of letters & esteem'd gentry, &c;, &c.; J. Michael Randazzo, Mr. John Krewson, Lrd. Joseph Garden.

GOODWOMAN, Ldy. Maria Schneider. WITCH, Megan Ganz.

town crier/giant, Chris Karwowski.

JUWES, Seth Reiss, Dan'l Guterman.

indentur'd scribes, Young John Harris, Chadeus Nackers, Michael Enzo Giuseppi DiCenzo, T. Hanson The Elder.

Swarthies, Michael Faisca,

Nicholas Gallo.

lay-abouts, Dan'l Klein, William Tracy, Cole Bolton, Samuel Kemmis, Sigmund Stern, Arthur Meyer.

Task master, Chester Parker Shelton Clem.

BEADLE, David Korn-feld.

press-man & POKE-STICK, Colin JayTierney.

prACTITIANS OF THE DARK ARTS,

Jeff Weston, Baratunde Thurston,

Matt Kirsch, Kelly Shea

quill boy, R. Sikoryak

slaves, Allison Compton, Katla McGlynn, Hilary Brennan-Maquez, Adam Valen Levinson, Matthew Morrison, Griffin Newman, Austin Smith, Priyank Mathur, Jinae West, Edward Small, Carson Vaughan, Natalya Vaynblat.

wet nurse, Julie Smith.

martyr, Scott Dikkers.

Other-Wise deceas'd, R. Dolan,

Molly Passanissi, Beatrice the Friendly Sow.

s

Interlocutors To Mammon.

mouth-piece for mister zweibel, David Schafer.

quister, Steve Hannah.

back-lasher, Michael McAvoy.

Pettifogger, Sean Mills.

ceremonial stooge, Will'm Wernecke.

bag-men & Glov'd vultures, Ryan Walther, Peter Teese, Sebastian Mei.

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