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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Historical Archives: Mule-Deaths Of Late

Mon-day.

Belonging to M. SEXTON, Dottie.

Tues-day.

Belonging to A. BROWNE, Sour Mash.

Belonging to F. WESTON, Corporal Thiſtleweed.

Belonging to P. FRANKLIN, Stubbs III.

Belonging to J. JOHNSON, Paul.

Belonging to W. WOOLWORTH, Revere's Alternative.

Wednes-day.

No Mule-Deaths.

Thurſ-day.

No Mule-Deaths.

Fri-day.

Belonging to R. MILLS, King George the Tyrant.

Satur-day.

Belonging to J. HENRY, Biſcuits & Gravy.

Sun-day.

No Mule-Deaths reported by Sun-rise.

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