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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

It is the Duty of ev'ry Honest Citizen to ignore ANY THING not told to them on Sunday!

A Warning to our Loyal Readers! The PENNSYLVANIA PACKET AND DAILY ADVERTISER, a God less Pile of Gim Crackery not suitable for Stable-lining, has, as indicat'd by its Name, broken with the Time-honor'd and wholly proper Tradition of the Once-a-Week Cycling of News Worthy Occurrences, in Stead electing to publish Daily, & thus deluging our Street Corners, Taverns & Debtors Prisons with a Sea of waste full Broad Sheets. The abhorrent Phenomenon of the daily News Paper, borne from equal Parts Pride & Avarice, and showing wonton Disregard for the proper Instruction of the Citizenry in Matters of publick Import, is at this very Moment our greatest Threat, unless some Thing more heinous has occurred since Sunday. Besides the vulgar Offense of having so many Words thrust upon One's Self with out adequate advance Warning, which is an Affront to the Sensibilities of the Respectable, the fool-hardy Assumption that Events routinely transpire with in a single Rise & Setting of the Sun bestows a further Out Rage. Many of us, it might interest The Pennsylvania Packet And Daily Advertiser to know, prefer to receive a compleat & definitive Account of the Trials of some missing Wool, rather than simply read that it is missing; nor does its Editor understand, that only a partial Telling of the Wool's Situation with no indication of its Fate, creates an unbearable Suspense, which spawns with in the good Christian Reader great Distress & Care, and plagues his Mind with multiple Phantasms, such as if the Wool fell in the River and was eaten by a Fish, or was burnt, or was dyed beyond Recognition, or perhaps e'en an over weening Fear that his own Wool shall go missing. Such Dolefulness can only be resolv'd with a purchase & reading of the next Day's Account; and e'en then it is not assur'd that a satisfying Conclusion to the Wool's Predicament will be provid'd, consequently forcing the Reader to purchase yet another Edition with the Arrival of the next Day, & possibly the next Day after that, and so on to Infinity. Such Relent-less Regularity of Print is a heavy Iron Yoke up'n the Populace, as apparently we must now be a Continent of BUSY-BODIES to fill these disparate & uncheck'd Pages, eternally waging War or winning Horse Races for each new Day of the Week. Do not fall Victim to this Cult of Cease-less Happenings, good Sirs and Madames! Remember that e'en God Him Self did only at the END of the Week reflect on His Creation!

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