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Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

It is the Duty of ev'ry Honest Citizen to ignore ANY THING not told to them on Sunday!

A Warning to our Loyal Readers! The PENNSYLVANIA PACKET AND DAILY ADVERTISER, a God less Pile of Gim Crackery not suitable for Stable-lining, has, as indicat'd by its Name, broken with the Time-honor'd and wholly proper Tradition of the Once-a-Week Cycling of News Worthy Occurrences, in Stead electing to publish Daily, & thus deluging our Street Corners, Taverns & Debtors Prisons with a Sea of waste full Broad Sheets. The abhorrent Phenomenon of the daily News Paper, borne from equal Parts Pride & Avarice, and showing wonton Disregard for the proper Instruction of the Citizenry in Matters of publick Import, is at this very Moment our greatest Threat, unless some Thing more heinous has occurred since Sunday. Besides the vulgar Offense of having so many Words thrust upon One's Self with out adequate advance Warning, which is an Affront to the Sensibilities of the Respectable, the fool-hardy Assumption that Events routinely transpire with in a single Rise & Setting of the Sun bestows a further Out Rage. Many of us, it might interest The Pennsylvania Packet And Daily Advertiser to know, prefer to receive a compleat & definitive Account of the Trials of some missing Wool, rather than simply read that it is missing; nor does its Editor understand, that only a partial Telling of the Wool's Situation with no indication of its Fate, creates an unbearable Suspense, which spawns with in the good Christian Reader great Distress & Care, and plagues his Mind with multiple Phantasms, such as if the Wool fell in the River and was eaten by a Fish, or was burnt, or was dyed beyond Recognition, or perhaps e'en an over weening Fear that his own Wool shall go missing. Such Dolefulness can only be resolv'd with a purchase & reading of the next Day's Account; and e'en then it is not assur'd that a satisfying Conclusion to the Wool's Predicament will be provid'd, consequently forcing the Reader to purchase yet another Edition with the Arrival of the next Day, & possibly the next Day after that, and so on to Infinity. Such Relent-less Regularity of Print is a heavy Iron Yoke up'n the Populace, as apparently we must now be a Continent of BUSY-BODIES to fill these disparate & uncheck'd Pages, eternally waging War or winning Horse Races for each new Day of the Week. Do not fall Victim to this Cult of Cease-less Happenings, good Sirs and Madames! Remember that e'en God Him Self did only at the END of the Week reflect on His Creation!

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