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Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

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Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

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HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

It is the Duty of ev'ry Honest Citizen to ignore ANY THING not told to them on Sunday!

A Warning to our Loyal Readers! The PENNSYLVANIA PACKET AND DAILY ADVERTISER, a God less Pile of Gim Crackery not suitable for Stable-lining, has, as indicat'd by its Name, broken with the Time-honor'd and wholly proper Tradition of the Once-a-Week Cycling of News Worthy Occurrences, in Stead electing to publish Daily, & thus deluging our Street Corners, Taverns & Debtors Prisons with a Sea of waste full Broad Sheets. The abhorrent Phenomenon of the daily News Paper, borne from equal Parts Pride & Avarice, and showing wonton Disregard for the proper Instruction of the Citizenry in Matters of publick Import, is at this very Moment our greatest Threat, unless some Thing more heinous has occurred since Sunday. Besides the vulgar Offense of having so many Words thrust upon One's Self with out adequate advance Warning, which is an Affront to the Sensibilities of the Respectable, the fool-hardy Assumption that Events routinely transpire with in a single Rise & Setting of the Sun bestows a further Out Rage. Many of us, it might interest The Pennsylvania Packet And Daily Advertiser to know, prefer to receive a compleat & definitive Account of the Trials of some missing Wool, rather than simply read that it is missing; nor does its Editor understand, that only a partial Telling of the Wool's Situation with no indication of its Fate, creates an unbearable Suspense, which spawns with in the good Christian Reader great Distress & Care, and plagues his Mind with multiple Phantasms, such as if the Wool fell in the River and was eaten by a Fish, or was burnt, or was dyed beyond Recognition, or perhaps e'en an over weening Fear that his own Wool shall go missing. Such Dolefulness can only be resolv'd with a purchase & reading of the next Day's Account; and e'en then it is not assur'd that a satisfying Conclusion to the Wool's Predicament will be provid'd, consequently forcing the Reader to purchase yet another Edition with the Arrival of the next Day, & possibly the next Day after that, and so on to Infinity. Such Relent-less Regularity of Print is a heavy Iron Yoke up'n the Populace, as apparently we must now be a Continent of BUSY-BODIES to fill these disparate & uncheck'd Pages, eternally waging War or winning Horse Races for each new Day of the Week. Do not fall Victim to this Cult of Cease-less Happenings, good Sirs and Madames! Remember that e'en God Him Self did only at the END of the Week reflect on His Creation!

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