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Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish

Through the Grace of GOD our Father, Reports have found their way through the dense Wilds of the OHIO COUNTRY, that a Singing-Tune, possibly of African Origin, but none the less appropriat'd by Flat Boat Men and pleasingly modifi'd for those of a paler Complecktion, up lifts the Spirits and extracts Joy from Listeners in the immediate Vicinity, rousing e'en those curtain'd in the blackest Misery. No longer should the Deaths of lov'd Ones by Child Birth, the Wasting-Away, the Greek Scourge, or the Head Cold weigh heavy on the Mind, provided a Fife and Juwe's Harp is with in Arm's Reach. No, once the Melodie descends upon the Ears, a furious Urge to clap the Hands, dance the Feet, bare the Teeth, and make Merry takes Hold, and it shall not relinquish its Grip until its final Strains fade. In Deed, those with Ability in Music Playing observe that the over all Feeling of Mirth only intensifies as the Tempo of the Tune is increas'd, until All present are work'd into a Frenzy. The Tune, which is SIMPLICITY IT SELF, is easily recall'd enough that one may whistle it when going to fetch Water, or to carry a sick Cow up Hill, and there fore lessen any Burden. Though the Lyricks of the Tune are said to change with virtually ev'ry Rendition, most appear to give at least partial Reference to a native Fowl who beds in dri'd Grass.

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