Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish

Through the Grace of GOD our Father, Reports have found their way through the dense Wilds of the OHIO COUNTRY, that a Singing-Tune, possibly of African Origin, but none the less appropriat'd by Flat Boat Men and pleasingly modifi'd for those of a paler Complecktion, up lifts the Spirits and extracts Joy from Listeners in the immediate Vicinity, rousing e'en those curtain'd in the blackest Misery. No longer should the Deaths of lov'd Ones by Child Birth, the Wasting-Away, the Greek Scourge, or the Head Cold weigh heavy on the Mind, provided a Fife and Juwe's Harp is with in Arm's Reach. No, once the Melodie descends upon the Ears, a furious Urge to clap the Hands, dance the Feet, bare the Teeth, and make Merry takes Hold, and it shall not relinquish its Grip until its final Strains fade. In Deed, those with Ability in Music Playing observe that the over all Feeling of Mirth only intensifies as the Tempo of the Tune is increas'd, until All present are work'd into a Frenzy. The Tune, which is SIMPLICITY IT SELF, is easily recall'd enough that one may whistle it when going to fetch Water, or to carry a sick Cow up Hill, and there fore lessen any Burden. Though the Lyricks of the Tune are said to change with virtually ev'ry Rendition, most appear to give at least partial Reference to a native Fowl who beds in dri'd Grass.