adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish

Through the Grace of GOD our Father, Reports have found their way through the dense Wilds of the OHIO COUNTRY, that a Singing-Tune, possibly of African Origin, but none the less appropriat'd by Flat Boat Men and pleasingly modifi'd for those of a paler Complecktion, up lifts the Spirits and extracts Joy from Listeners in the immediate Vicinity, rousing e'en those curtain'd in the blackest Misery. No longer should the Deaths of lov'd Ones by Child Birth, the Wasting-Away, the Greek Scourge, or the Head Cold weigh heavy on the Mind, provided a Fife and Juwe's Harp is with in Arm's Reach. No, once the Melodie descends upon the Ears, a furious Urge to clap the Hands, dance the Feet, bare the Teeth, and make Merry takes Hold, and it shall not relinquish its Grip until its final Strains fade. In Deed, those with Ability in Music Playing observe that the over all Feeling of Mirth only intensifies as the Tempo of the Tune is increas'd, until All present are work'd into a Frenzy. The Tune, which is SIMPLICITY IT SELF, is easily recall'd enough that one may whistle it when going to fetch Water, or to carry a sick Cow up Hill, and there fore lessen any Burden. Though the Lyricks of the Tune are said to change with virtually ev'ry Rendition, most appear to give at least partial Reference to a native Fowl who beds in dri'd Grass.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close