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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands

A great Worrye gripps the Metropolis of New Yorke, fmrly, New Amsterdam, from which we should all take cautionary Instrucktion, that we might stop this dangerous Trend, before Disaster and Catastrophe be-fall us. I speak of the Danger of "O'er-Crowding"—a new term, invent'd by the Scholars of the Social Sciences, to describe a new Problem recently made manifest in our Cities and Townes. I will explain this phenomenon in the manner of Science: Through Coupling and Immigration, a massive Growthe of Population, in a short Time, creates more People. When these People, owing to Sloth &c;, do not move on to new lands, it creates Living Conditions of un-speakable jostling, bumping, and even Elbow-touching, which no man can escape.

The Problem of O'er-Crowding was made known, to the great Consternation of learned Men, by the most recent CENSUS, which found, after manny months of hard Work and mathematickal Tabulation, that the population of that great City, had risen to an extra-ordinary Degree, so that the number of People now living therein, has exceed'd the amount of Twelve Thousands, with no end to the population Growthe in sighte.

No, that is not a Mis-Print: the number is indeed TWELVE THOUSAND, and no mis-taking.

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