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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania

On the 4th day of September last, those remaining un-dead Pennsilvania Militia-Men, devout PROTESTANT Males of Scotch-Irish and Dutch descent, whose once Abled-Boddies had been ravaged by the Barbarities inflickt'd upon them during the Great War for INDEPENDENCE, ceased all Volley & Bayonet Fighting in the land of Hannas-Town thirty Miles East of Pitt's Burg, after being inform'd by the some what delay'd Messenger from Washington's Army, who had travel'd more than three Hundreds of Miles on Foot, by Mule, on Horse Back, by Waggon, by pole-driven Punt Boat, on Foot again, and once by means of Travois, that Military Manoeuvres had ceased TWO Years prior, thus degrading to a level of Pointlessness the Reason for the Battalion's Two-Hundred and Fifty some-odd Casualties suffer'd well after well after Gen'l Cornwallis' SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN.

This belated Message stirr'd conflickting Emotions of Joy and Annoyance upon the† Countenance of the Honourable CAPT. IMLAY, who had nobly, yet in compleat Vain, been leading his Force towards Hannas-Town, where a great Deal of his Men, instead of returning to their Families long ago to resume their Lives in earnest as Farmers, Cobblers, and such Like, were extirpat'd, butcher'd, and scalpt by the belligerent & treacherous Red Indians of the Tribe Shawnee, who were also unaware that the War was OVER. The still-living Members of the Battalion, suffering from the Typhus, and whose Appendages had grown Gangrenous due to the frequent use of an improperly crafted Bone Saw fashion'd from Tree Limbs & dull Bayonets, grew hostile towards the Messenger, who in Spite of† his own half-starv'd Condition & abject Contrition, was severely beaten about for his Errant Dawdling and was burnt Alive the Day next.

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