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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania

On the 4th day of September last, those remaining un-dead Pennsilvania Militia-Men, devout PROTESTANT Males of Scotch-Irish and Dutch descent, whose once Abled-Boddies had been ravaged by the Barbarities inflickt'd upon them during the Great War for INDEPENDENCE, ceased all Volley & Bayonet Fighting in the land of Hannas-Town thirty Miles East of Pitt's Burg, after being inform'd by the some what delay'd Messenger from Washington's Army, who had travel'd more than three Hundreds of Miles on Foot, by Mule, on Horse Back, by Waggon, by pole-driven Punt Boat, on Foot again, and once by means of Travois, that Military Manoeuvres had ceased TWO Years prior, thus degrading to a level of Pointlessness the Reason for the Battalion's Two-Hundred and Fifty some-odd Casualties suffer'd well after well after Gen'l Cornwallis' SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN.

This belated Message stirr'd conflickting Emotions of Joy and Annoyance upon the† Countenance of the Honourable CAPT. IMLAY, who had nobly, yet in compleat Vain, been leading his Force towards Hannas-Town, where a great Deal of his Men, instead of returning to their Families long ago to resume their Lives in earnest as Farmers, Cobblers, and such Like, were extirpat'd, butcher'd, and scalpt by the belligerent & treacherous Red Indians of the Tribe Shawnee, who were also unaware that the War was OVER. The still-living Members of the Battalion, suffering from the Typhus, and whose Appendages had grown Gangrenous due to the frequent use of an improperly crafted Bone Saw fashion'd from Tree Limbs & dull Bayonets, grew hostile towards the Messenger, who in Spite of† his own half-starv'd Condition & abject Contrition, was severely beaten about for his Errant Dawdling and was burnt Alive the Day next.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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