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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania

On the 4th day of September last, those remaining un-dead Pennsilvania Militia-Men, devout PROTESTANT Males of Scotch-Irish and Dutch descent, whose once Abled-Boddies had been ravaged by the Barbarities inflickt'd upon them during the Great War for INDEPENDENCE, ceased all Volley & Bayonet Fighting in the land of Hannas-Town thirty Miles East of Pitt's Burg, after being inform'd by the some what delay'd Messenger from Washington's Army, who had travel'd more than three Hundreds of Miles on Foot, by Mule, on Horse Back, by Waggon, by pole-driven Punt Boat, on Foot again, and once by means of Travois, that Military Manoeuvres had ceased TWO Years prior, thus degrading to a level of Pointlessness the Reason for the Battalion's Two-Hundred and Fifty some-odd Casualties suffer'd well after well after Gen'l Cornwallis' SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN.

This belated Message stirr'd conflickting Emotions of Joy and Annoyance upon the† Countenance of the Honourable CAPT. IMLAY, who had nobly, yet in compleat Vain, been leading his Force towards Hannas-Town, where a great Deal of his Men, instead of returning to their Families long ago to resume their Lives in earnest as Farmers, Cobblers, and such Like, were extirpat'd, butcher'd, and scalpt by the belligerent & treacherous Red Indians of the Tribe Shawnee, who were also unaware that the War was OVER. The still-living Members of the Battalion, suffering from the Typhus, and whose Appendages had grown Gangrenous due to the frequent use of an improperly crafted Bone Saw fashion'd from Tree Limbs & dull Bayonets, grew hostile towards the Messenger, who in Spite of† his own half-starv'd Condition & abject Contrition, was severely beaten about for his Errant Dawdling and was burnt Alive the Day next.

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