adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania

On the 4th day of September last, those remaining un-dead Pennsilvania Militia-Men, devout PROTESTANT Males of Scotch-Irish and Dutch descent, whose once Abled-Boddies had been ravaged by the Barbarities inflickt'd upon them during the Great War for INDEPENDENCE, ceased all Volley & Bayonet Fighting in the land of Hannas-Town thirty Miles East of Pitt's Burg, after being inform'd by the some what delay'd Messenger from Washington's Army, who had travel'd more than three Hundreds of Miles on Foot, by Mule, on Horse Back, by Waggon, by pole-driven Punt Boat, on Foot again, and once by means of Travois, that Military Manoeuvres had ceased TWO Years prior, thus degrading to a level of Pointlessness the Reason for the Battalion's Two-Hundred and Fifty some-odd Casualties suffer'd well after well after Gen'l Cornwallis' SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN.

This belated Message stirr'd conflickting Emotions of Joy and Annoyance upon the† Countenance of the Honourable CAPT. IMLAY, who had nobly, yet in compleat Vain, been leading his Force towards Hannas-Town, where a great Deal of his Men, instead of returning to their Families long ago to resume their Lives in earnest as Farmers, Cobblers, and such Like, were extirpat'd, butcher'd, and scalpt by the belligerent & treacherous Red Indians of the Tribe Shawnee, who were also unaware that the War was OVER. The still-living Members of the Battalion, suffering from the Typhus, and whose Appendages had grown Gangrenous due to the frequent use of an improperly crafted Bone Saw fashion'd from Tree Limbs & dull Bayonets, grew hostile towards the Messenger, who in Spite of† his own half-starv'd Condition & abject Contrition, was severely beaten about for his Errant Dawdling and was burnt Alive the Day next.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close