Historical Archives: Notice To The Publik

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Historical Archives: Notice To The Publik

Dirt-Eating Contest, this Saturday 11th Ocktober! Can No-One best Fat Phineas Cooper, who just one Year past ete three and twenty pounds of Earthen Loam and ten of blackest Soot? Victor claims Harness of finest woven HEMP and one lightly-worn wife.

Lordy, Lordy Look Who's Twenty! Happy birth-day James Clapburn Bristol III. O'er yon hillock!

Come be witness to a spectakle of Resounding Fortitude!

SMITH, champion Hurler and all-around specimen of Oxen Strength, will attempt to refute the Laws of Gravity by spiriting a stone of OUR LORD's own making high into the Firmament this 11th October.

Fermented beverages will accompany the Grand Demonstration.

Announcement: Cat-Drowning POST-PONED. Will commence Thursday next, when sufficient quantity of Sacks of hearty Burlap may be obtained.

Reminder: NOTHING will take place from the Days of October the 23rd through November the 30th.