Historical Archives: One May Now Toil From Home

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Productivity

Historical Archives: One May Now Toil From Home

No practikal Knowledge nec'ry to obtain An Appropriate PROSPECT for GUARAN-TEED Capital Benefits swiftly deriv'd from countless Hours of STREN-UOUS Drudgery in the Center of Domestik affections. The greater the Measure of Wearisome Exertion the further the SPLEN-DOR of Restitution provided for Toiling until the FLESH-MEAT of the Digits no longer Adheres to BONE. To Re-Ceive Sekrets to En-Velope Programm deposit Sow or First Borne in crook of ELM Wood Tree at Edge Of Village to-day.