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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Historical Archives: One May Now Toil From Home

No practikal Knowledge nec'ry to obtain An Appropriate PROSPECT for GUARAN-TEED Capital Benefits swiftly deriv'd from countless Hours of STREN-UOUS Drudgery in the Center of Domestik affections. The greater the Measure of Wearisome Exertion the further the SPLEN-DOR of Restitution provided for Toiling until the FLESH-MEAT of the Digits no longer Adheres to BONE. To Re-Ceive Sekrets to En-Velope Programm deposit Sow or First Borne in crook of ELM Wood Tree at Edge Of Village to-day.

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