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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Historical Archives: Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island

Some have propos'd a radickal and, some may even saye, DRASTICK measure, of securing a parcel of "greens-space," designated as "off-of-Limits" to additional development, as a sort of "Centralized Park," and that lands in the City's middle part, between Rector Street and Wall Street, be placed under this Protecktion. Although most agree that such a Plan is an over-reaction, for surely, even in the worst of future cases, New York is un-likely to expand past the area of the Trinity Church, the Question of how much acreage of Forest the Island Manhattan can maintain is never the less a serious one.

Eg, will the Forests of Manhattan some day be unable to sustain viable hunting Populations of Deere, Moose, Elke and Brown Bear? Our Bible states that these Beasts were placed here for our Benefit. We are Stewards of the Land, and it causes sadness to think that our children may not know the Joy of felling such Game, and resort to the hunting of mere Geese and Duckes instead, for lack of roome.

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