adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Historical Archives: Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes

Anew and worry some Trend has arisen in our young Common Wealth. That is, the practice of assuming extended Reprieves from the Industry and Enterprise which makes this Nation one of great Prosperity and Independence. Further more, it is believed that the Periods of Idleness may total up to One Hundred Seconds and Eighty in Length for every thirty Days. These Leisure Activities, which apparently do not yield any productive Work what so ever, but rather elicit a strange Sensation which has been referred to as "Pleasure," include such Pursuits as engaging in Games of Throw-The-Ball with one's Son; Sitting, a still some what obscure Practice of Monarchical Origin, involving a Transfer of the Weight of the Body† to the awaiting Support of an Armed Chair, or such like accommodating Surface, so as to reduce Strain on Muscles of the Lower Limbs; and perhaps most Trouble some of all, Reading.

It is a Mystery why more than fifteen Seconds ev'ry Fort Night are requir'd for these trivial Goings-On, and it is also a great Concern among Many that these lengthy Interludes of Indolence will result in a veritable Nation of INVALIDS, who would prefer the Lounging of the Body and the Lethargy of the Soul to productive and enriching Tasks such as ploughing the Fields, taking Axe to Wood until great Volumes of Sweat must be mopp'd from the Brow, hitching One's Self to Logs, Boulders, &c.; and hauling them away, Churning, Foraging, Plucking of the Goose, picking the Seeds out of Bolls of Cotton until the Moon is high and Blood flows freely from the Fingers, & Sewing and Mending by dim Candle Light, until one eventually goes Blind & dies alone in the Alms House. After all, the Fruits of Labour can not be harvest'd from one's Bed. A new Law shall be draft'd with in the Week next, to prevent the monthly Lapse of Industry from eclipsing the current Rate of three Minutes, lest the Offender be stripp'd of his yearly Allotment of ten Minutes for Relations with his Wife in the Bed Chamber in order to propagate this great Land.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close