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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern!

In Philadelphia, in which a Man, being himself some 28 yrs. of Age and a Quaker held in good Stead in that pious Communitie, was taken Aback, and did Swoone with Horror, and was given cause to Gasp and exclaim Alack; at the sight of a CHAIR, upon which both lavish Ornamentation and a coat of Shellack had been applied, so that to the devout eye of worthie Gentle-Man did it give the Appearance of a very Furniture of HARLOTRY.

"That any one should carve a Seat Back with such sinuous Whorls and Flourishes, or should apply such ornate Curvature to the very Runggs of any Chair, is to affirm one's place in Hell itself," said the Quaker, who did take himslef an Axxe, and threaten to reduce the offending Seat to Flinders, was it not given immediate Unction by its cabinet-maker, an' that man be Pilloried besides. "And I hesitate to give Speculation, as to what manner of Daemon or Devil, could so Possess any goode and decent Trades-man to apply curved Runners beneath a chair, so as to make it tip both 'to' and 'fro' in a very Rocking motion, this being strictly warned against by our Church."

The man was administered a stiff Draught, and led away by benevolent Passers-By; he was given to trembling; although whether in Observance of his worthie Faith, or in Fear for his SOUL at the sight of the offending Furnishing, is not known.

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