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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern!

In Philadelphia, in which a Man, being himself some 28 yrs. of Age and a Quaker held in good Stead in that pious Communitie, was taken Aback, and did Swoone with Horror, and was given cause to Gasp and exclaim Alack; at the sight of a CHAIR, upon which both lavish Ornamentation and a coat of Shellack had been applied, so that to the devout eye of worthie Gentle-Man did it give the Appearance of a very Furniture of HARLOTRY.

"That any one should carve a Seat Back with such sinuous Whorls and Flourishes, or should apply such ornate Curvature to the very Runggs of any Chair, is to affirm one's place in Hell itself," said the Quaker, who did take himslef an Axxe, and threaten to reduce the offending Seat to Flinders, was it not given immediate Unction by its cabinet-maker, an' that man be Pilloried besides. "And I hesitate to give Speculation, as to what manner of Daemon or Devil, could so Possess any goode and decent Trades-man to apply curved Runners beneath a chair, so as to make it tip both 'to' and 'fro' in a very Rocking motion, this being strictly warned against by our Church."

The man was administered a stiff Draught, and led away by benevolent Passers-By; he was given to trembling; although whether in Observance of his worthie Faith, or in Fear for his SOUL at the sight of the offending Furnishing, is not known.

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Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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