Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern!

In Philadelphia, in which a Man, being himself some 28 yrs. of Age and a Quaker held in good Stead in that pious Communitie, was taken Aback, and did Swoone with Horror, and was given cause to Gasp and exclaim Alack; at the sight of a CHAIR, upon which both lavish Ornamentation and a coat of Shellack had been applied, so that to the devout eye of worthie Gentle-Man did it give the Appearance of a very Furniture of HARLOTRY.

"That any one should carve a Seat Back with such sinuous Whorls and Flourishes, or should apply such ornate Curvature to the very Runggs of any Chair, is to affirm one's place in Hell itself," said the Quaker, who did take himslef an Axxe, and threaten to reduce the offending Seat to Flinders, was it not given immediate Unction by its cabinet-maker, an' that man be Pilloried besides. "And I hesitate to give Speculation, as to what manner of Daemon or Devil, could so Possess any goode and decent Trades-man to apply curved Runners beneath a chair, so as to make it tip both 'to' and 'fro' in a very Rocking motion, this being strictly warned against by our Church."

The man was administered a stiff Draught, and led away by benevolent Passers-By; he was given to trembling; although whether in Observance of his worthie Faith, or in Fear for his SOUL at the sight of the offending Furnishing, is not known.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close