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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern!

In Philadelphia, in which a Man, being himself some 28 yrs. of Age and a Quaker held in good Stead in that pious Communitie, was taken Aback, and did Swoone with Horror, and was given cause to Gasp and exclaim Alack; at the sight of a CHAIR, upon which both lavish Ornamentation and a coat of Shellack had been applied, so that to the devout eye of worthie Gentle-Man did it give the Appearance of a very Furniture of HARLOTRY.

"That any one should carve a Seat Back with such sinuous Whorls and Flourishes, or should apply such ornate Curvature to the very Runggs of any Chair, is to affirm one's place in Hell itself," said the Quaker, who did take himslef an Axxe, and threaten to reduce the offending Seat to Flinders, was it not given immediate Unction by its cabinet-maker, an' that man be Pilloried besides. "And I hesitate to give Speculation, as to what manner of Daemon or Devil, could so Possess any goode and decent Trades-man to apply curved Runners beneath a chair, so as to make it tip both 'to' and 'fro' in a very Rocking motion, this being strictly warned against by our Church."

The man was administered a stiff Draught, and led away by benevolent Passers-By; he was given to trembling; although whether in Observance of his worthie Faith, or in Fear for his SOUL at the sight of the offending Furnishing, is not known.

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