adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps

MASSACHUSETTS in Crisis! A number of Calamities have been observ'd in New England, previously afflickt'd with all Manner of Devilment, from Witchcraft to a Plague of Cow Licks among the Youth, and now present'd with a number of Misadventures in Ploughing that could be the Work of none but LUCIFER HIM SELF.

It seems the most heinous and evil Satan had seen the holy Living of our fair new Land, and so incens'd was he by our Fortune, made Endeavors to ruin us. His Plot hatch'd most horribly, when the Devil forced up-wards from the Depths of Hell a Rock, to dent MR. C——'s new plowblade, and more over break a Window Pane. Further-more, the small towne has seen, in the space of two weeks or thirteen Christian Masses, a String of Saw Dullings, Froe Malfunctions, &c., and at least one wholly dis'pointing Okra Crop.

Most Note worthy Proof of his wicked Design against our Shores is the case from MIDDLESEX, where, to the Deed of drawing virtuous Farmers into a Confederacy with his Army of Fallen Angels, the Wicked One did plant his cursed Feet upon the Rye Fields of P. GOODWIN, to carve upon the Ground a hideous and unholy Scrawl, which led off to a near by Wood. The odd Pock Marks upon the Fields of our fellow Country Man are said to display the Cloven Hooves of Mephistopheles, and do exhibit where he sprung from the eternal Fires to commit his Mischief upon the very Earth. These Prints rest betwixt Two Grooves that run the Length; the very Evidence that Ol' Scratch may drag his Claws behind him with Hopes of hooking Idle Children

In an other unrelat'd INSTANCE, it appears Beelzebub has also stolen the Ox and Cart of P. GOODWIN, no doubt to transport to Hell the Souls of all who engage in Drunkenness, Gambling, Flesh-Pleasings, the wearing of Ostentatious Bonnets, & INCEST.

Satan's Hand is last'y blam'd in the Case of young Farmer BEALE, who, tho' eager and hale, did not for a fort-night wake afore DAWN! and e'en fell ILL to point of un-stop able Bouts of cough'ng, which were quite insuffer'ble, or so go the reports from BRAINTREE.

The Publick must be ever vigilant against the Beguilement of the Dark Lord, but FEAR NOT! For Satan shall be, in the Course of intelligent and civilized Justice, tried by a Jury of Honest Gentle Men, and hang'd by the Neck the very Day a Red-Headed Child of Pure Heart is able to capture him in a Jar.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close