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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Historical Archives: Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps

MASSACHUSETTS in Crisis! A number of Calamities have been observ'd in New England, previously afflickt'd with all Manner of Devilment, from Witchcraft to a Plague of Cow Licks among the Youth, and now present'd with a number of Misadventures in Ploughing that could be the Work of none but LUCIFER HIM SELF.

It seems the most heinous and evil Satan had seen the holy Living of our fair new Land, and so incens'd was he by our Fortune, made Endeavors to ruin us. His Plot hatch'd most horribly, when the Devil forced up-wards from the Depths of Hell a Rock, to dent MR. C——'s new plowblade, and more over break a Window Pane. Further-more, the small towne has seen, in the space of two weeks or thirteen Christian Masses, a String of Saw Dullings, Froe Malfunctions, &c., and at least one wholly dis'pointing Okra Crop.

Most Note worthy Proof of his wicked Design against our Shores is the case from MIDDLESEX, where, to the Deed of drawing virtuous Farmers into a Confederacy with his Army of Fallen Angels, the Wicked One did plant his cursed Feet upon the Rye Fields of P. GOODWIN, to carve upon the Ground a hideous and unholy Scrawl, which led off to a near by Wood. The odd Pock Marks upon the Fields of our fellow Country Man are said to display the Cloven Hooves of Mephistopheles, and do exhibit where he sprung from the eternal Fires to commit his Mischief upon the very Earth. These Prints rest betwixt Two Grooves that run the Length; the very Evidence that Ol' Scratch may drag his Claws behind him with Hopes of hooking Idle Children

In an other unrelat'd INSTANCE, it appears Beelzebub has also stolen the Ox and Cart of P. GOODWIN, no doubt to transport to Hell the Souls of all who engage in Drunkenness, Gambling, Flesh-Pleasings, the wearing of Ostentatious Bonnets, & INCEST.

Satan's Hand is last'y blam'd in the Case of young Farmer BEALE, who, tho' eager and hale, did not for a fort-night wake afore DAWN! and e'en fell ILL to point of un-stop able Bouts of cough'ng, which were quite insuffer'ble, or so go the reports from BRAINTREE.

The Publick must be ever vigilant against the Beguilement of the Dark Lord, but FEAR NOT! For Satan shall be, in the Course of intelligent and civilized Justice, tried by a Jury of Honest Gentle Men, and hang'd by the Neck the very Day a Red-Headed Child of Pure Heart is able to capture him in a Jar.

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