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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Historical Archives: Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence

Thus Far For Archaic Fraternity No Meetings In Smoke Filled Chambers To Plot Conspiracies Moſt Un-Thinkable Against Their Own Citizens.

'Who Then Be Our Shado'y Puppet-Masters?' Ask Manny

Amere 7 Years since our Nation declared her Independence from Tyranny, and in so doing begun to Cultivate her own Treasure & Commerce, that ancient Order of Bread Makers & Yeast Men, the FREE-BAKERS, though their Numbers are said to be Manny, and operate from Shadows, has lately fail'd to exert Power and Influence, through what Contracts Supernatural they are wont to enter, over America, what so ever.

These Keepers of Secret Recipes most vile and esoteric, pri'd from the dusty Tombs of Egypt, and who, like Minions of† Hell's Anteroom itself, intone in low Chants with Ghostly Voice the Dreaded Incantations "Fold In Eggs, Fold In Eggs," and "Into the Kiln at Degrees of Three Hundreds and Seventy and Five for Three Hours Put" and "Rise! Rise! Rise!" in Truth wield no Strangle Hold over the Banking or Judiciary, or the Legislative Houses, state or federal, of this new Republic, as should be-fit a Secret Society of Trades Men.

That General Him Self, WASHINGTON, has told the Apron-Wearers, these BAKING MEN, to take their Sifting Tools to some other Province, where their sinister Symbols of Whisk & Rolling Pin might meet Success with Men of less Liberty, and where Lucifer's own Confections be gladly et, thus permitting their Destiny to fall into the floury Hands of the FREE-BAKERS, but not in America here, where Men are Free to live and trade and toil as they will under the Claws of None, save for the benevolent Free Masons, and the Families Prescott, and Astor, and Winthrop, our Republic's serene and supreme Saviours and Over Lords for all Eternity.

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