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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Historical Archives: Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence

Thus Far For Archaic Fraternity No Meetings In Smoke Filled Chambers To Plot Conspiracies Moſt Un-Thinkable Against Their Own Citizens.

'Who Then Be Our Shado'y Puppet-Masters?' Ask Manny

Amere 7 Years since our Nation declared her Independence from Tyranny, and in so doing begun to Cultivate her own Treasure & Commerce, that ancient Order of Bread Makers & Yeast Men, the FREE-BAKERS, though their Numbers are said to be Manny, and operate from Shadows, has lately fail'd to exert Power and Influence, through what Contracts Supernatural they are wont to enter, over America, what so ever.

These Keepers of Secret Recipes most vile and esoteric, pri'd from the dusty Tombs of Egypt, and who, like Minions of† Hell's Anteroom itself, intone in low Chants with Ghostly Voice the Dreaded Incantations "Fold In Eggs, Fold In Eggs," and "Into the Kiln at Degrees of Three Hundreds and Seventy and Five for Three Hours Put" and "Rise! Rise! Rise!" in Truth wield no Strangle Hold over the Banking or Judiciary, or the Legislative Houses, state or federal, of this new Republic, as should be-fit a Secret Society of Trades Men.

That General Him Self, WASHINGTON, has told the Apron-Wearers, these BAKING MEN, to take their Sifting Tools to some other Province, where their sinister Symbols of Whisk & Rolling Pin might meet Success with Men of less Liberty, and where Lucifer's own Confections be gladly et, thus permitting their Destiny to fall into the floury Hands of the FREE-BAKERS, but not in America here, where Men are Free to live and trade and toil as they will under the Claws of None, save for the benevolent Free Masons, and the Families Prescott, and Astor, and Winthrop, our Republic's serene and supreme Saviours and Over Lords for all Eternity.

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