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Historical Archives: Ship's Log

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High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Historical Archives: Ship's Log

Departing To The Ends Of The Earth.

Small expedition ship The Petula Rosa has departed from the Shores of Rhode Island this fourth week of June in hopes of escaping Ridicule aimed at its rather effeminate Name.

Arriving From The Orient.

Sea-faring vessel The Nautilus, led by Captain James McCann, has returned from a Year's long Voyage to The Far-East with an abundant supply of Rare and Exceptional spices. Collected aboard the gentle ship is CUMIN, FENNEL, CARDAMOM, and RED CURRY, the lot of which will be circulated among Citizens, so that they may be applied to the Copulating Organs, and God-Willing, bring an end to certain nefarious Urges.

For Amsterdam.

The Ship Amigo,

Captain James Joseph Anchower II, will set sail on the fifteen of July for freight or passage and is willing to be compensated with backside, lantern oil, or the leaf of hemp.

The Good-Ship Tea Ship has returned from Great-Britain with MORE TEA, thus completing her 47th voyage across the Atlantic Ocean, each time departing with No Tea and porting with Tea Aplenty, tho' We needn't more Tea and are all ready burdened with an Amount of GOD-forsaken Tea so great it is nigh Undrinkable.

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