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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Historical Archives: Ship's Log

Departing To The Ends Of The Earth.

Small expedition ship The Petula Rosa has departed from the Shores of Rhode Island this fourth week of June in hopes of escaping Ridicule aimed at its rather effeminate Name.

Arriving From The Orient.

Sea-faring vessel The Nautilus, led by Captain James McCann, has returned from a Year's long Voyage to The Far-East with an abundant supply of Rare and Exceptional spices. Collected aboard the gentle ship is CUMIN, FENNEL, CARDAMOM, and RED CURRY, the lot of which will be circulated among Citizens, so that they may be applied to the Copulating Organs, and God-Willing, bring an end to certain nefarious Urges.

For Amsterdam.

The Ship Amigo,

Captain James Joseph Anchower II, will set sail on the fifteen of July for freight or passage and is willing to be compensated with backside, lantern oil, or the leaf of hemp.

The Good-Ship Tea Ship has returned from Great-Britain with MORE TEA, thus completing her 47th voyage across the Atlantic Ocean, each time departing with No Tea and porting with Tea Aplenty, tho' We needn't more Tea and are all ready burdened with an Amount of GOD-forsaken Tea so great it is nigh Undrinkable.

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