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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Historical Archives: Ship's Log

Departing To The Ends Of The Earth.

Small expedition ship The Petula Rosa has departed from the Shores of Rhode Island this fourth week of June in hopes of escaping Ridicule aimed at its rather effeminate Name.

Arriving From The Orient.

Sea-faring vessel The Nautilus, led by Captain James McCann, has returned from a Year's long Voyage to The Far-East with an abundant supply of Rare and Exceptional spices. Collected aboard the gentle ship is CUMIN, FENNEL, CARDAMOM, and RED CURRY, the lot of which will be circulated among Citizens, so that they may be applied to the Copulating Organs, and God-Willing, bring an end to certain nefarious Urges.

For Amsterdam.

The Ship Amigo,

Captain James Joseph Anchower II, will set sail on the fifteen of July for freight or passage and is willing to be compensated with backside, lantern oil, or the leaf of hemp.

The Good-Ship Tea Ship has returned from Great-Britain with MORE TEA, thus completing her 47th voyage across the Atlantic Ocean, each time departing with No Tea and porting with Tea Aplenty, tho' We needn't more Tea and are all ready burdened with an Amount of GOD-forsaken Tea so great it is nigh Undrinkable.

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