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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Historical Archives: Sing Ho! For the KING of Broil'd MEATS

As he doth Celebrate the OPENING for BUS-INESS,

an' all related to the COOKING of MEATS upon the FLAME,

an' against all known laws of Physick, Reason, and Commerce,

a seckond EATERIE,

Within half a day's walk of,

And in ev'ry Fashion a Match to, his First,

which shall remain Open as well.

FURTHERMORE: The Plenipotentiary of Meat has allow'd, as a Measure of Com-Passion, the Offering of ONE

MEAL OF GREAT VALUE

For those who have mere Pfennies, but desire a Banquet that is worth More in all Seeming.

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