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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Historical Archives: That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds



From BOSTON comes dread News of the Death, after long-suffr’ing his Injurie, of Samuel Rush, who lest we suffer from Forget-ful-ness, was the worthy GentleMan, so often portrayed† in Song and Woodcut, as bleeding from grievous Blows to the Head, and being Bandag’d thereupon, while playing up’n his Pipe while a’company’ed by one Drummer and another bearing our beloved Flag, after Battle with the English.


Though-out his Career as a Piper, which did last until last Year, whence he found it too Difficult to remain Awake, Rush was oft tempted to allow his Wound to close, and to make it cease from weeping Bloode, and from suppuration, and from the issuance of strong Smells, and of Magg’try, and of Pus; but then would Rush remember his Duty as a Patriot and an American, and leave his Bandage upon his Head to up-Lift the Spirits of Every Man. An’ it happened, that Thurday last, did Rush go to his Reward, as no strong dose of Calomell nor of Alcohol could render him Awake.


God save and keep him in Heav’n, and keep his Wound fresh, and cause it to weep the crimson Tears of Liberty for time Everlasting, that it shew the Glorie of our Nation. Amen.

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