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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Historical Archives: That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds



From BOSTON comes dread News of the Death, after long-suffr’ing his Injurie, of Samuel Rush, who lest we suffer from Forget-ful-ness, was the worthy GentleMan, so often portrayed† in Song and Woodcut, as bleeding from grievous Blows to the Head, and being Bandag’d thereupon, while playing up’n his Pipe while a’company’ed by one Drummer and another bearing our beloved Flag, after Battle with the English.


Though-out his Career as a Piper, which did last until last Year, whence he found it too Difficult to remain Awake, Rush was oft tempted to allow his Wound to close, and to make it cease from weeping Bloode, and from suppuration, and from the issuance of strong Smells, and of Magg’try, and of Pus; but then would Rush remember his Duty as a Patriot and an American, and leave his Bandage upon his Head to up-Lift the Spirits of Every Man. An’ it happened, that Thurday last, did Rush go to his Reward, as no strong dose of Calomell nor of Alcohol could render him Awake.


God save and keep him in Heav’n, and keep his Wound fresh, and cause it to weep the crimson Tears of Liberty for time Everlasting, that it shew the Glorie of our Nation. Amen.

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