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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Historical Archives: The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid

From our Baltimore Cousins comes News of the felicitous Health Benefits of the Powder'd Tobacco SNUFF, and the Recommendation that multiple Pinches be taken until Blood flows freely from the Nose in Service of balancing the Humours. Preeminent Barber-Surgeon and Former General of Loyalist Ilk Tho. HAYSWORTH has add'd the cure-all Physick to his famed and most singular Tobacco Pyramid, the robustness Chart learnt in Grammar-Schools 'cross the Whole of our Nation, and has given Snuff greater Importance, even, than Pipe Smoke. However, Gen'l HAYSWORTH was heard to remark many Times that Snuff should never be taken in the Stead of any Portion of the presently advis'd eight Score and thirty Draws from a firmly pack'd Clay Pipe, Two hearty Chaw Plugs, and four dozen Twists of dri'd Tobacco Leaves, the latter to be used for betwixt-Pipe Mastications. The Measure of Snuff suggested by Gen'l HAYSWORTH to be most advantageous for Children under Six Years of Age is not to be in excess of four sizable Nose-Packings per four and twenty Hours, and taken always with two Draughts of strong Brandy. Those unable to procure the finely ground Tobacco should quaff freely from Cuspidors at every opportunity to derive at least a little Benefit from the meritorious Effects of Snuff.

The Honourable Gen'l HAYSWORTH has also issued a stern Warning against the Pome-Granate, a strange, blood-red, seed-filled Fruit, occasionally come to our Shores and said to be the most odious POISON, not even to be gazed upon.

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