adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Historical Archives: The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid

From our Baltimore Cousins comes News of the felicitous Health Benefits of the Powder'd Tobacco SNUFF, and the Recommendation that multiple Pinches be taken until Blood flows freely from the Nose in Service of balancing the Humours. Preeminent Barber-Surgeon and Former General of Loyalist Ilk Tho. HAYSWORTH has add'd the cure-all Physick to his famed and most singular Tobacco Pyramid, the robustness Chart learnt in Grammar-Schools 'cross the Whole of our Nation, and has given Snuff greater Importance, even, than Pipe Smoke. However, Gen'l HAYSWORTH was heard to remark many Times that Snuff should never be taken in the Stead of any Portion of the presently advis'd eight Score and thirty Draws from a firmly pack'd Clay Pipe, Two hearty Chaw Plugs, and four dozen Twists of dri'd Tobacco Leaves, the latter to be used for betwixt-Pipe Mastications. The Measure of Snuff suggested by Gen'l HAYSWORTH to be most advantageous for Children under Six Years of Age is not to be in excess of four sizable Nose-Packings per four and twenty Hours, and taken always with two Draughts of strong Brandy. Those unable to procure the finely ground Tobacco should quaff freely from Cuspidors at every opportunity to derive at least a little Benefit from the meritorious Effects of Snuff.

The Honourable Gen'l HAYSWORTH has also issued a stern Warning against the Pome-Granate, a strange, blood-red, seed-filled Fruit, occasionally come to our Shores and said to be the most odious POISON, not even to be gazed upon.

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close