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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Historical Archives: The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid

From our Baltimore Cousins comes News of the felicitous Health Benefits of the Powder'd Tobacco SNUFF, and the Recommendation that multiple Pinches be taken until Blood flows freely from the Nose in Service of balancing the Humours. Preeminent Barber-Surgeon and Former General of Loyalist Ilk Tho. HAYSWORTH has add'd the cure-all Physick to his famed and most singular Tobacco Pyramid, the robustness Chart learnt in Grammar-Schools 'cross the Whole of our Nation, and has given Snuff greater Importance, even, than Pipe Smoke. However, Gen'l HAYSWORTH was heard to remark many Times that Snuff should never be taken in the Stead of any Portion of the presently advis'd eight Score and thirty Draws from a firmly pack'd Clay Pipe, Two hearty Chaw Plugs, and four dozen Twists of dri'd Tobacco Leaves, the latter to be used for betwixt-Pipe Mastications. The Measure of Snuff suggested by Gen'l HAYSWORTH to be most advantageous for Children under Six Years of Age is not to be in excess of four sizable Nose-Packings per four and twenty Hours, and taken always with two Draughts of strong Brandy. Those unable to procure the finely ground Tobacco should quaff freely from Cuspidors at every opportunity to derive at least a little Benefit from the meritorious Effects of Snuff.

The Honourable Gen'l HAYSWORTH has also issued a stern Warning against the Pome-Granate, a strange, blood-red, seed-filled Fruit, occasionally come to our Shores and said to be the most odious POISON, not even to be gazed upon.

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