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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Historical Archives: The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present

1. The Bible. (226,339)

2. Common Sense. (2,412)

3. The Thousands Upon Thousands Of The Mohicans. (2,211)

4. The Return Of Common Sense: Back To Basics. (1,998)

5. The Diary Of A Woman Who Knew How To Write. (1,873)

6. The Bible, Red Cover. (1,872)

7. The Plow-man's Diet. (1,590)

8. The Booke of Blanke Pages. (1,559)

9. Leeches: A Comprehensive Tome Of The Known Medical Facts. (1,381)

10. The Bible, Blue Cover. (1,339)

11. The Gentle-man Of New Amsterdam. (1,001)

12. God's Revenge Against Idleness: A Children's Book. (903)

13. Guide To North American Jews. (714)

14. The Bible, German. (568)

15. Common Sense III: It Just Makes Cents (404)

16. The Lever And Fulcrum For Village Idiots. (211)

17. Natural Stillbirth (37)

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