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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Historical Archives: The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in the City of Danzig, reaches nearly six Feet into the Heavens. At an astonishing 18 Hands high, he is Heads and Shoulders above even the loftiest of his Brethren, and when striding the Thorough Fares of Danzig, can be seen from thirty Paces away. So co-lossal is he that master Carpenters cut a Hole above his Door and rais'd the Portal so to accommodate his great Head. This Ajax sleeps in a specially fashion'd Bed so that his lower Limbs do not dangle off the Edge. His Tailor keeps a-stock one surplus Bolt each of Wool and Muslin, should the Leviathan desire a new Suit of Clothes. To him, our daily Bread is but mere Crumbs; the Proprietress of an Inn where the Mammoth takes Meals testified that he could devour one-half of one-one-hundredth of his Weight in Beef-Steak in one Sitting. It is a further Wonder, that the Floor Boards of his House have not given away under his great Heft, an' that being estimated at nearly twelve Stone, or 165 Pounds Avoirdupois.

Despite his monstrous Scale, the Brobdingnagian is said to possess a Disposition of Charity and Docility, and has never once exercis'd Violence upon we Mundane in Size, all though we be easily devour'd if it so pleased him. When queried about the Condition of the Weather at his lofty Altitude, the Titan respond'd only with a Blush and a polite Smile of Resignation, to the Disappointment of Philosophes across the Continent, who were hoping to receive his singular Insight on the Topic.

It has been suggest'd by several Wags that the Behemoth of Danzig be wed to that other Curiosity of the Continent, "Madame Methuselah," a Frenchwoman who is aged Twoscore-Ten-and-Seven, or an amazing 57 Years.

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