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Historical Archives: The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Historical Archives: The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in the City of Danzig, reaches nearly six Feet into the Heavens. At an astonishing 18 Hands high, he is Heads and Shoulders above even the loftiest of his Brethren, and when striding the Thorough Fares of Danzig, can be seen from thirty Paces away. So co-lossal is he that master Carpenters cut a Hole above his Door and rais'd the Portal so to accommodate his great Head. This Ajax sleeps in a specially fashion'd Bed so that his lower Limbs do not dangle off the Edge. His Tailor keeps a-stock one surplus Bolt each of Wool and Muslin, should the Leviathan desire a new Suit of Clothes. To him, our daily Bread is but mere Crumbs; the Proprietress of an Inn where the Mammoth takes Meals testified that he could devour one-half of one-one-hundredth of his Weight in Beef-Steak in one Sitting. It is a further Wonder, that the Floor Boards of his House have not given away under his great Heft, an' that being estimated at nearly twelve Stone, or 165 Pounds Avoirdupois.

Despite his monstrous Scale, the Brobdingnagian is said to possess a Disposition of Charity and Docility, and has never once exercis'd Violence upon we Mundane in Size, all though we be easily devour'd if it so pleased him. When queried about the Condition of the Weather at his lofty Altitude, the Titan respond'd only with a Blush and a polite Smile of Resignation, to the Disappointment of Philosophes across the Continent, who were hoping to receive his singular Insight on the Topic.

It has been suggest'd by several Wags that the Behemoth of Danzig be wed to that other Curiosity of the Continent, "Madame Methuselah," a Frenchwoman who is aged Twoscore-Ten-and-Seven, or an amazing 57 Years.

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