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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost

Readers who might chiefly employ these Pages as a Catch All for their falling Molars and Incisors will not register any particular Surprise at the News that Tooth Loss amongst the Publick has exceed'd last Year's Record by nearly Four Fold. Barbers and Black Smiths speak of a Wind Fall of Patients seeking a ready Demise to their oral Agonies, though some Decay is so advanced, that a Brawny Soul need only take a Patient by the Heels, raise him aloft, and shake him vigorously, so that the Teeth may slip easily from the Gum. The Common of Boston is fairly festooned with Caries and has grown slick with the Gore borne of Abcesses, yet many Bostonians take the Inconvenience in jovial Stride, and even claim the Malady to be serendipitous, as missing Teeth tend to distract from Scars left from the Small Pox.

Wise Men do not ascribe the Tooth Loss to just one Cause, and instead point to such Divers Factors as the excessive Ingestion of Marchpane, Brawls, Maggots, Gravity, Theft, and the General Effects of Aging beyond eleven&Ω Years. They recommend all Forswearing of the Above, in addition to a daily Burnishing of the Teeth with a Physick compris'd of Whisky and Brick Dust.

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