Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost

Readers who might chiefly employ these Pages as a Catch All for their falling Molars and Incisors will not register any particular Surprise at the News that Tooth Loss amongst the Publick has exceed'd last Year's Record by nearly Four Fold. Barbers and Black Smiths speak of a Wind Fall of Patients seeking a ready Demise to their oral Agonies, though some Decay is so advanced, that a Brawny Soul need only take a Patient by the Heels, raise him aloft, and shake him vigorously, so that the Teeth may slip easily from the Gum. The Common of Boston is fairly festooned with Caries and has grown slick with the Gore borne of Abcesses, yet many Bostonians take the Inconvenience in jovial Stride, and even claim the Malady to be serendipitous, as missing Teeth tend to distract from Scars left from the Small Pox.

Wise Men do not ascribe the Tooth Loss to just one Cause, and instead point to such Divers Factors as the excessive Ingestion of Marchpane, Brawls, Maggots, Gravity, Theft, and the General Effects of Aging beyond eleven&Ω Years. They recommend all Forswearing of the Above, in addition to a daily Burnishing of the Teeth with a Physick compris'd of Whisky and Brick Dust.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close