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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads

By the most skilled Crafts-men have been created Carved Wooden HEADS of remark able quality and bilaterally symmetrical appearance and known to generally reduce the suffering of those Veterans, who during the course of the LATE-WAR with Great-Britain had the Misfortune of decapitation by well-placed Blow, Cannon Ball, Bouts of Gangrene, or dislocation of the SKULL, often resulting in the impediment of proper nodding functions and intolerable HEAD-ACH. Contains a Pair of Faces, for Occasions either solemn or mournful, with wooden dowel Eyes, quarter of one-inch bored Holes for Ears, and handsome Grain most disagreeable to the WOODPECKER.

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