adBlockCheck

Historical Archives: To-day In American History

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Historical Archives: To-day In American History

In TENNESSEE, famed United States Senator and long-time Governor of Louisiana, Henry JOHNSON, will be born later To-day.

Smaller Items Of News Worthy-ness, Or, Bulletins, AS THEY ARE SOME TIMES KNOWN.

An Other Family Spends Quiet Evening Gathered Around Oil Painting.

A pleasant EVENING was spent, by the Culleafer Familie, this Friday last, in quiet Contemplation while Gather'd about their newly-boughten, full-colour 12-handsbreadth OIL PAINTING; and the Minutes, the Culleafers did say, flew by as the admir'd the rendered Countenance of Patriarch Thomas Culleafer, said by all who Viewed the Scene to be a Thing that Must Be SEEN every Thorsday at eight o'clock in the evening, tho' some have opined that this activity will surely rot the Brain.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close