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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Historical Archives: To-day In American History

In TENNESSEE, famed United States Senator and long-time Governor of Louisiana, Henry JOHNSON, will be born later To-day.

Smaller Items Of News Worthy-ness, Or, Bulletins, AS THEY ARE SOME TIMES KNOWN.

An Other Family Spends Quiet Evening Gathered Around Oil Painting.

A pleasant EVENING was spent, by the Culleafer Familie, this Friday last, in quiet Contemplation while Gather'd about their newly-boughten, full-colour 12-handsbreadth OIL PAINTING; and the Minutes, the Culleafers did say, flew by as the admir'd the rendered Countenance of Patriarch Thomas Culleafer, said by all who Viewed the Scene to be a Thing that Must Be SEEN every Thorsday at eight o'clock in the evening, tho' some have opined that this activity will surely rot the Brain.

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