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Historical Archives: To-day In American History

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Historical Archives: To-day In American History

In TENNESSEE, famed United States Senator and long-time Governor of Louisiana, Henry JOHNSON, will be born later To-day.

Smaller Items Of News Worthy-ness, Or, Bulletins, AS THEY ARE SOME TIMES KNOWN.

An Other Family Spends Quiet Evening Gathered Around Oil Painting.

A pleasant EVENING was spent, by the Culleafer Familie, this Friday last, in quiet Contemplation while Gather'd about their newly-boughten, full-colour 12-handsbreadth OIL PAINTING; and the Minutes, the Culleafers did say, flew by as the admir'd the rendered Countenance of Patriarch Thomas Culleafer, said by all who Viewed the Scene to be a Thing that Must Be SEEN every Thorsday at eight o'clock in the evening, tho' some have opined that this activity will surely rot the Brain.

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