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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Historical Archives: "Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village

According to reports from those living out side the boundaries of the great Metropolis, in the far-off Village of Greenwich, the expansion of New York City has accelerat'd to such a great Extent that one has merely to climb a nearby Tree-top, to see the cooking-fires and smoke of the New-Yorkers, which grow in brightness and Heate with each passing Yeare. Further, there are Stories of Houses being construct'd in such proximity to existing Houses that residents have invented "Curtains" to obscure the view of the nightly Goings On of the resident from view. And still, more New Yorkers are born every Daye, necessitating the cutting down of more and more of Manhattan Island's forested Wilder-ness, that these Fyres may be fuel'd, and Houses for these growing Families be built.

Will New York's expansion continue un-abated, and if so, what is next? Will the Island of Manhattan someday be home to twenty, or even thirty THOUSANDS of residents? Where, neighboring villagers ask, are all these New Yorkers to be housed? Are they to be expected to live one atop t'other, like a Childe's toy Blockes? Surely, our Fore Bearers did not flee the crowd'd Streets of London so that their Children should met the same FATE in the New World.

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