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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Historical Archives: "Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village

According to reports from those living out side the boundaries of the great Metropolis, in the far-off Village of Greenwich, the expansion of New York City has accelerat'd to such a great Extent that one has merely to climb a nearby Tree-top, to see the cooking-fires and smoke of the New-Yorkers, which grow in brightness and Heate with each passing Yeare. Further, there are Stories of Houses being construct'd in such proximity to existing Houses that residents have invented "Curtains" to obscure the view of the nightly Goings On of the resident from view. And still, more New Yorkers are born every Daye, necessitating the cutting down of more and more of Manhattan Island's forested Wilder-ness, that these Fyres may be fuel'd, and Houses for these growing Families be built.

Will New York's expansion continue un-abated, and if so, what is next? Will the Island of Manhattan someday be home to twenty, or even thirty THOUSANDS of residents? Where, neighboring villagers ask, are all these New Yorkers to be housed? Are they to be expected to live one atop t'other, like a Childe's toy Blockes? Surely, our Fore Bearers did not flee the crowd'd Streets of London so that their Children should met the same FATE in the New World.

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