adBlockCheck

History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore

PALATINE, IL—Amateur historian Dean Durand reported Monday that he increasingly finds himself identifying with former President Millard Fillmore. "He was the last president who wasn't either a Democrat or a Republican, and that's me," Durand said. "And I often have intense fights with my wife, a woman I like to think of as my personal Zachary Taylor." Friends of Durand say he was more fun to spend time with in high school, when he identified with rock guitarist Richie Blackmore.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close