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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore

PALATINE, IL—Amateur historian Dean Durand reported Monday that he increasingly finds himself identifying with former President Millard Fillmore. "He was the last president who wasn't either a Democrat or a Republican, and that's me," Durand said. "And I often have intense fights with my wife, a woman I like to think of as my personal Zachary Taylor." Friends of Durand say he was more fun to spend time with in high school, when he identified with rock guitarist Richie Blackmore.

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