History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore

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SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

History Buff Can Really Relate To Millard Fillmore

PALATINE, IL—Amateur historian Dean Durand reported Monday that he increasingly finds himself identifying with former President Millard Fillmore. "He was the last president who wasn't either a Democrat or a Republican, and that's me," Durand said. "And I often have intense fights with my wife, a woman I like to think of as my personal Zachary Taylor." Friends of Durand say he was more fun to spend time with in high school, when he identified with rock guitarist Richie Blackmore.