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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants

DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but another example of how history, marred by the inevitable folly of man, repeats itself. "Will mankind never learn?" asked Nielson, gazing into the middle distance, his outstretched palm holding a limp and sodden paper plate. "Sausages, ground beef, onions, garlic—oh, what blind and obstinate fools we've been!" According to friends, Nielson has previously compared the spilling of macaroni salad to "the inexorable march of time: its conclusion already a certainty," likened the tipping over of various beverages to the "age-old dance between balance and chaos," and once, after falling down an entire flight of stairs, remarked, "Jesus fucking Christ."

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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