History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants

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Vol 44 Issue 47

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

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History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants

DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but another example of how history, marred by the inevitable folly of man, repeats itself. "Will mankind never learn?" asked Nielson, gazing into the middle distance, his outstretched palm holding a limp and sodden paper plate. "Sausages, ground beef, onions, garlic—oh, what blind and obstinate fools we've been!" According to friends, Nielson has previously compared the spilling of macaroni salad to "the inexorable march of time: its conclusion already a certainty," likened the tipping over of various beverages to the "age-old dance between balance and chaos," and once, after falling down an entire flight of stairs, remarked, "Jesus fucking Christ."

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