adBlockCheck

Hobo Clown Slaughters Pig Sidekick

Top Headlines

Recent News

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hobo Clown Slaughters Pig Sidekick

Moocher the Tramp raised his friend and sidekick Hammy the Pig (right) from the time she was a wee piglet. With a tough winter ahead, Moocher had no choice but to kill Hammy and convert the 500-pound sow to foodstuffs.
Moocher the Tramp raised his friend and sidekick Hammy the Pig (right) from the time she was a wee piglet. With a tough winter ahead, Moocher had no choice but to kill Hammy and convert the 500-pound sow to foodstuffs.

Hobo clown Moocher the Tramp led a life similar to that of any hobo clown: riding the rails, begging for hand-outs of food and clothing, scavenging for over-sized novelty shoes in trash heaps and entertaining young and old alike.

What made Moocher different, however, was the presence of his best friend Hammy the Pig, the trained pet sow he raised from a piglet. Delighting children with her uncanny tricks, Hammy would dance, stand on her hind legs and even juggle multi-colored rubber balls with her snout. The sound of Moocher’s accordion, accompanied by Hammy’s happy squeals and oinks, was always guaranteed to alert children up and down the Sioux City Line that fun was on the way.

That is, until last week.

“Due to the current recession, in combination with the onset of winter, Moocher the Tramp is sad to announce that his friend and partner, Hammy the Pig, has been slaughtered, filleted, and stored as foodstuffs,” a press release from Moocher’s agent said.

“I know children are aghast at what I have done,” Moocher said to the assembled media. “But they don’t understand what it’s like to be a hobo clown these days. The poverty, cold, and unsympathetic brakemen can be unbearable. For a homeless vagrant to go on supporting a 500-pound sow under such conditions is just too much to ask.”

A mere 10 inches long when Moocher first began training his animal friend, the rotund Hammy had grown to 504 pounds when she was slaughtered for meat last week at age six.

“Those were six good years,” Moocher said. “Believe me, when you’ve got empty pockets and find yourself huddling for warmth on a freight car outside of Fargo, a sow that size starts looking less and less like a humorous sidekick and more and more like a couple months worth of pork.”

Hammy, whose slaughtered corpse yielded Moocher nearly 200 pounds of sausage, ham, ribs, pork patties, bacon, chitlins, pig’s feet (pickled) and head cheese, may be gone, but she will not be forgotten.

“I have in my left pocket a memento,” said Moocher, his painted-on frown all the more tragic and emotionally evocative for the experience of his recent loss. Pulling out a small plastic-wrapped bundle, he said, “This is all that’s left of Hammy. It’s my lucky pork chop, and it will be a part of every magic act I perform from now until the day of my death.”

The public may be reeling from Moocher’s decision to end his six-year partnership with Hammy the Pig, but who is really to blame for this tragedy? We must ask ourselves, is it a hobo clown trying to survive on the railways? Or is it the sad, cruel legacy of Reagan’s America? For Moocher, a single tear trailing down his stubbled, painted face, there can perhaps be no answer. The only solace is a few more more months of food and one fewer friend.

The New York Times contributed to this story.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close