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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Hockey Hall Of Fame Ceremony Held At Steve's Place

TORONTO—Despite early concerns about the venue's small size, center Igor Larionov and winger Glenn Anderson were inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame during a 15-minute ceremony over at Steve's place on Howland Avenue.

"There are so many people I want to thank for helping me get to this moment, but most of all I want to thank Steve," Larionov said from a podium in the basement next to a running washing machine. "Steve's always been there for the NHL, but to let us come over on such short notice?And to spring for beer on top of that? That's just pure Steve. Let's make sure and plan this better next time so we don't have to put him out like this again." After expressing confidence that the Hall would find a permanent home by the end of the year, Hall of Fame chairman Bill Hay filled his van with folding chairs and drove them back to his buddy Phil's place in Peel Region.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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