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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Hockey Hall Of Fame Ceremony Held At Steve's Place

TORONTO—Despite early concerns about the venue's small size, center Igor Larionov and winger Glenn Anderson were inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame during a 15-minute ceremony over at Steve's place on Howland Avenue.

"There are so many people I want to thank for helping me get to this moment, but most of all I want to thank Steve," Larionov said from a podium in the basement next to a running washing machine. "Steve's always been there for the NHL, but to let us come over on such short notice?And to spring for beer on top of that? That's just pure Steve. Let's make sure and plan this better next time so we don't have to put him out like this again." After expressing confidence that the Hall would find a permanent home by the end of the year, Hall of Fame chairman Bill Hay filled his van with folding chairs and drove them back to his buddy Phil's place in Peel Region.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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