Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly

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Vol 44 Issue 23

Clinton Suspends Campaign

While keeping her delegates, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign to be the Democratic nominee, leaving Barack Obama the party's presumptive...

Terrible Idea Committed To Paper

SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he...

Ed McMahon May Lose House

After falling behind in payments, former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his $6.25 million home. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly

NEW YORK—Sales figures from the NHL's headquarters indicate that hockey ticket sales are down almost 8 percent since the beginning of the year, independent analysts commissioned to survey the league's bookkeeping announced Monday. "We haven't yet found a reason that would explain the dip—all we have is total sales numbers—but it seems that the league sold almost 2,000 fewer tickets last week than it did in January," said accountant Harvey Sloman. "I wouldn't call it a disturbing trend, however, as the league seems to have cut its expenditures for travel, accommodations, payroll, and other expenses by almost 95 percent. Unorthodox business model, but it seems to be working for them." Commissioner Gary Bettman hastened to point out that their television audience had grown by almost 10 percent in the same time.

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