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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Hockey Ticket Sales Tapering Off Slightly

NEW YORK—Sales figures from the NHL's headquarters indicate that hockey ticket sales are down almost 8 percent since the beginning of the year, independent analysts commissioned to survey the league's bookkeeping announced Monday. "We haven't yet found a reason that would explain the dip—all we have is total sales numbers—but it seems that the league sold almost 2,000 fewer tickets last week than it did in January," said accountant Harvey Sloman. "I wouldn't call it a disturbing trend, however, as the league seems to have cut its expenditures for travel, accommodations, payroll, and other expenses by almost 95 percent. Unorthodox business model, but it seems to be working for them." Commissioner Gary Bettman hastened to point out that their television audience had grown by almost 10 percent in the same time.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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