adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
End Of Section
  • More News

Holding A Yard Sale

A yard sale is a great way to make money while getting rid of clutter. Here are some tips to make your sale a success:

Holding A Yard Sale


  • To enable easier browsing, arrange items in order of their shittiness.
  • Put your used underwear out for sale. Yes. Put it out. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes, put it all out for sale.
  • Try to arrange your random cast-off crap in such a manner as to cause strangers and passersby to burst into tears at the sheer crippling mundanity of it all.
  • Don't put out that used electric hotdog cooker. Not only will no one buy the appliance, but your neighbors will be filled with disgust over living so close to someone who owned one.
  • A dollar is a bit pricey for those Reader's Digest condensed books, Professor Smarty.
  • Please don't sell our Inchworm riding toy! We know we're 37 years old now, but please don't sell our Inchworm Ridey!
  • A free box is a great way to get rid of incriminating evidence.
  • The No. 1 thing yard-sale customers are looking for is a great value. Lucky for you, the No. 2 thing they are looking for is faded purple size-26 Hanes stirrup pants.
  • Having shoppers sign a standard yard-sale contract will ensure that all sales are final.
  • Yard sales are like love: If you let your guard down and present everything you've got to the world honestly and without shame, someone is bound to end up with a bunch of your old clothes.
  • Don't let your children price items. They price the items too high, as you are raising greedy little monsters.
  • Don't forget to chuckle and tell every single customer that the yard is, in fact, not for sale.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close