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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Holding A Yard Sale

A yard sale is a great way to make money while getting rid of clutter. Here are some tips to make your sale a success:

Holding A Yard Sale


  • To enable easier browsing, arrange items in order of their shittiness.
  • Put your used underwear out for sale. Yes. Put it out. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes, put it all out for sale.
  • Try to arrange your random cast-off crap in such a manner as to cause strangers and passersby to burst into tears at the sheer crippling mundanity of it all.
  • Don't put out that used electric hotdog cooker. Not only will no one buy the appliance, but your neighbors will be filled with disgust over living so close to someone who owned one.
  • A dollar is a bit pricey for those Reader's Digest condensed books, Professor Smarty.
  • Please don't sell our Inchworm riding toy! We know we're 37 years old now, but please don't sell our Inchworm Ridey!
  • A free box is a great way to get rid of incriminating evidence.
  • The No. 1 thing yard-sale customers are looking for is a great value. Lucky for you, the No. 2 thing they are looking for is faded purple size-26 Hanes stirrup pants.
  • Having shoppers sign a standard yard-sale contract will ensure that all sales are final.
  • Yard sales are like love: If you let your guard down and present everything you've got to the world honestly and without shame, someone is bound to end up with a bunch of your old clothes.
  • Don't let your children price items. They price the items too high, as you are raising greedy little monsters.
  • Don't forget to chuckle and tell every single customer that the yard is, in fact, not for sale.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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