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Holding A Yard Sale

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Holding A Yard Sale

A yard sale is a great way to make money while getting rid of clutter. Here are some tips to make your sale a success:

Holding A Yard Sale


  • To enable easier browsing, arrange items in order of their shittiness.
  • Put your used underwear out for sale. Yes. Put it out. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes, put it all out for sale.
  • Try to arrange your random cast-off crap in such a manner as to cause strangers and passersby to burst into tears at the sheer crippling mundanity of it all.
  • Don't put out that used electric hotdog cooker. Not only will no one buy the appliance, but your neighbors will be filled with disgust over living so close to someone who owned one.
  • A dollar is a bit pricey for those Reader's Digest condensed books, Professor Smarty.
  • Please don't sell our Inchworm riding toy! We know we're 37 years old now, but please don't sell our Inchworm Ridey!
  • A free box is a great way to get rid of incriminating evidence.
  • The No. 1 thing yard-sale customers are looking for is a great value. Lucky for you, the No. 2 thing they are looking for is faded purple size-26 Hanes stirrup pants.
  • Having shoppers sign a standard yard-sale contract will ensure that all sales are final.
  • Yard sales are like love: If you let your guard down and present everything you've got to the world honestly and without shame, someone is bound to end up with a bunch of your old clothes.
  • Don't let your children price items. They price the items too high, as you are raising greedy little monsters.
  • Don't forget to chuckle and tell every single customer that the yard is, in fact, not for sale.

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