NEW YORK—The advertising blitz before the holiday shopping season seems to come earlier and earlier, and this year is no exception, with more retailers than ever seeking to tap into the seemingly limitless spending power of the highly desirable dicktard demographic.
"Since Thanksgiving, the advertising industry has spent over $1 billion to influence what American dicktards, asswipes, and cock-knobs will put under their Christmas trees," Merrill Lynch retail analyst Barbour Scott said. "By the third week in December, that number is expected to quadruple, as the courting process intensifies for the gnat-like attention of these witless lamebrains."
Dicktard spending dollars, as well as those of the smaller but ever more important dickweed and dipstick market segments, can mean the difference between a fourth-quarter boom or bust for major retailers.
"The major chains can no longer just stock their shelves and expect the dicktards to come pouring in," Scott said. "They need to be told where to go and what to buy—10 million NASCAR toilet seats don't sell themselves."
The dicktard demographic—a nationwide consumer base that crosses all economic classes and levels of income—was once the sole province of dullard-friendly superstores like Wal-Mart and Sears. But in recent years, these companies have lost market share to smaller outlets and online stores, which allow not only dicktards, but asshats and douchelords as well, to consume more products faster.
"The competition for the dicktard spender is unbelievably fierce," said Scott, who also follows trends among cuntlicks and fuckbrains. "Retailers target shoppers who will buy a $5 item for $50, or who will purchase an electric card-shuffler on a whim, only to lose interest in it two weeks later, clearing the way for even more impulse buying the following quarter."
Within the dicktard segment are a series of specific subsets, including bitch-holes, known for their fleeting emotional attachment to products such as scented candles and baby figurines, and shitwads, who often spend up to 45 percent of their annual income on expensive electronics and pricey upgrades to expensive electronics.
While no retail chain could decisively claim the dicktard sales trophy last December, stores such as Target, Best Buy, and Abercrombie & Fitch were among the most successful at luring buyers to their checkout aisles. Target has shown early promise this year by marketing directly to dicktards with the brightly colored and inoffensive ad campaign "Holiday Magic—You Deserve It."
"We truly don't care what kind of crap these people buy, as long as it's our crap," Target CEO Bob Ulrich said. "Throw in some flattery, make them think that the decision to come to our store was made out of their own free will—that seems to work. Whatever it takes to get these lard-ass nimrods into our stores, we're going to do it."
As the holiday shopping season takes off, manufacturers are also reaching out to dicktards with ads appealing to their inherent attraction to lifestyles that do not, in actuality, approximate their own.
"Who, outside of professional carpenters and maybe a few serious woodworking hobbyists, honestly needs a HandiSaw?" said Black & Decker spokesman Rory Cantwell, referring to the cordless tool his company has marketed to fuckfaced noobs as a holiday gift favorite. "These puds have no use for it, and in fact, could seriously injure themselves with it. But if we just pitch it as this handy way for real men to cut through stuff, they go flying off the shelves. Same goes for our Power Mop, which, again, is completely useless."
"And if we can work a pair of boobs and an American flag into the ads, we're virtually guaranteed holiday green," he added.