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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Holley Mangold

Weightlifting — Dayton, Ohio

Strength: Strength

Special Skills: Lifting, grunting

Childhood: Dealt with bullies by using self-deprecating humor and then beating the shit out of them; often teased in high school for having a brother who played for the Jets

Body Type: Lumpy heap

Favorite hobby: Enjoys lifting many things recreationally

Personal Goal: To eat entire Olympic team

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