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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Holley Mangold

Weightlifting — Dayton, Ohio

Strength: Strength

Special Skills: Lifting, grunting

Childhood: Dealt with bullies by using self-deprecating humor and then beating the shit out of them; often teased in high school for having a brother who played for the Jets

Body Type: Lumpy heap

Favorite hobby: Enjoys lifting many things recreationally

Personal Goal: To eat entire Olympic team

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