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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes

LOS ANGELES—Numerous Hollywood maintenance crews were reportedly dispatched early Thursday morning to fix a rash of plotholes that have developed across the film industry, with laborers called to fill in unresolved third acts and smooth over illogical character arcs at worksites on the Warner Bros., Universal Studios, and Paramount Pictures lots. “Every spring we get reports of big plotholes from nearly every studio, and we have to send out workers to repair these deep, troublesome inconsistencies in films before they cause too many problems,” said Hollywood’s Department of Cinematic Works commissioner Brad Barnett, who added that the plotholes tended to be worst just after the end of a long, arduous awards season. “Plotholes can form due to poor studio conditions, the presence of implausible events, or a prolonged lack of attention by screenwriters. And if they aren’t patched up by adding some solid dialogue or an additional explanatory scene, then the plotholes will continue to grow and we’ll need to send in a specialized crew to tear up the script and do a complete overhaul on the underlying storyline. Not only are plotholes annoying for moviegoers, but if you run into enough of them, they can totally destroy your suspension of disbelief.” Emphasizing that regular maintenance was critical, Barnett said that he expected viewing conditions to improve significantly before the summer blockbuster season, when the number of plotholes is expected to quadruple.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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