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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hollywood Plans Big-Budget Remake Of Mr. & Mrs. Smith

LOS ANGELES—Studio executives at 20th Century Fox announced that production will begin next month on a big-budget, all-star remake of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, the blockbuster action film of 2005 starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. "We're always looking for ideas, and moviegoers really responded to Mr. & Mrs. Smith," said Fox vice president of development Mtumne Ngumwebaum. "Buckle up, action fans! This time we're going to do it bigger and better, with twice the budget and even hotter stars." Said film critic Harry Knowles: "You shouldn't touch a classic like Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but if you bring Eli Roth in as director, count me in!"
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