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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Holocaust Historian Can't Help Imagining What Random People Would Look Like Behind Barbed-Wire Fence

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University history professor Robert Grange admitted Monday that, because of his intense submersion in his Holocaust research, he constantly finds himself imagining what random people would look like emaciated and trapped behind barbed-wire fences. "Yes, I'm even doing it right now," Grange told reporters, adding that he often conjures up elaborate and detailed scenarios during his morning commute, in which nearby train passengers have been forcibly removed from their homes, separated from their families, and are being transported to Nazi death camps. "I try not to take work home with me, but when I see twin children I can't help but think what [Nazi scientist Josef] Mengele would have done to them." Grange added that he is no longer able to work out at his YMCA, and is currently looking for a gym facility without group showers.

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