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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Holocaust Historian Can't Help Imagining What Random People Would Look Like Behind Barbed-Wire Fence

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University history professor Robert Grange admitted Monday that, because of his intense submersion in his Holocaust research, he constantly finds himself imagining what random people would look like emaciated and trapped behind barbed-wire fences. "Yes, I'm even doing it right now," Grange told reporters, adding that he often conjures up elaborate and detailed scenarios during his morning commute, in which nearby train passengers have been forcibly removed from their homes, separated from their families, and are being transported to Nazi death camps. "I try not to take work home with me, but when I see twin children I can't help but think what [Nazi scientist Josef] Mengele would have done to them." Grange added that he is no longer able to work out at his YMCA, and is currently looking for a gym facility without group showers.

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