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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Holocaust Historian Can't Help Imagining What Random People Would Look Like Behind Barbed-Wire Fence

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University history professor Robert Grange admitted Monday that, because of his intense submersion in his Holocaust research, he constantly finds himself imagining what random people would look like emaciated and trapped behind barbed-wire fences. "Yes, I'm even doing it right now," Grange told reporters, adding that he often conjures up elaborate and detailed scenarios during his morning commute, in which nearby train passengers have been forcibly removed from their homes, separated from their families, and are being transported to Nazi death camps. "I try not to take work home with me, but when I see twin children I can't help but think what [Nazi scientist Josef] Mengele would have done to them." Grange added that he is no longer able to work out at his YMCA, and is currently looking for a gym facility without group showers.

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