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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Holocaust Historian Can't Help Imagining What Random People Would Look Like Behind Barbed-Wire Fence

EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University history professor Robert Grange admitted Monday that, because of his intense submersion in his Holocaust research, he constantly finds himself imagining what random people would look like emaciated and trapped behind barbed-wire fences. "Yes, I'm even doing it right now," Grange told reporters, adding that he often conjures up elaborate and detailed scenarios during his morning commute, in which nearby train passengers have been forcibly removed from their homes, separated from their families, and are being transported to Nazi death camps. "I try not to take work home with me, but when I see twin children I can't help but think what [Nazi scientist Josef] Mengele would have done to them." Grange added that he is no longer able to work out at his YMCA, and is currently looking for a gym facility without group showers.

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