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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Working From Home Vs. Working In An Office

While the digital age allows for the freedom to work from home, many people find the communal environment of an office more productive. The Onion provides a side-by-side comparison of the two options.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God

VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance re...

Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actu...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday.

Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee.

Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball.

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Workplace

Holocaust Museum Cashier Has Yet Another Depressing Day

WASHINGTON, DC—Alyssa Kaplan, 20, a cashier at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, had yet another in a seemingly endless string of depressing days Monday.

Holocaust Museum cashier Alyssa Kaplan steels herself for another long, emotionally draining day.

"You know how sometimes you get home from a really draining day at work and all you want to do is spend the night alone watching TV?" asked Kaplan, seated behind the gift-shop counter. "Well, I've pretty much done that every night since I started here three months ago."

Though she said she strongly believes in the museum and its mission, Kaplan admitted she finds it exhausting to reflect upon the moral and theological questions raised by the Holocaust nearly nonstop for 40 hours a week.

"It doesn't exactly put me in a social mood," Kaplan said. "I mean, everyone on the staff gets along okay, but we don't really goof around all that much. It's not like we all finish up our shift here at the Holocaust Museum and then head over to Bennigan's for happy hour."

Kaplan starts her day at 8:30 a.m. with the "morning once-over" in the museum's permanent exhibition, where she checks to see that all video and audio equipment is working. Divided into three parts, "Nazi Assault," "Final Solution," and "Last Chapter," the exhibition features 70 video monitors and four small theaters that play endless loops of historic film footage and eyewitness testimonies of the horrors perpetrated by the Nazis against the Jewish people.

"Visitors hear actual Holocaust survivors describing what it was like to be at Auschwitz," Kaplan said. "That section is directly on the other side of the wall of the employee bathroom, so I hear it every day during my two 15-minute breaks."

During her pre-opening floor check, Kaplan also inspects the museum's various exhibits and historical artifacts, making sure nothing is missing or out of place.

"Everything is bolted down or behind glass, so mostly we're checking to see that the cleaning crew didn't miss anything," Kaplan said. "Yesterday, on the underside of a case displaying a child's coat with a Star Of David sewn onto it, I found a big wad of gum. As I was cleaning it off, I read that the coat belonged to a little boy who died in Bergen-Belsen. That had me down for most of the afternoon."

When the museum opens to the public at 9 a.m., Kaplan moves to the cash register in the museum store, where she rings up a broad selection of books, videos, and other items dealing with the worst genocide of the 20th century.

"When I first started here, I'd grab a book off the shelves to read during slow stretches," said Kaplan, holding up copies of Annihilation Of Lithuanian Jewry and Cleansing The Fatherland: Nazi Medicine And Racial Hygiene. "For my own mental health, I had to give that up."

As emotionally draining as the museum's displays and gift-shop items are, they pale in comparison to the visitors themselves, Kaplan said.

"I get the people right after they've just spent two or three intense hours looking at the displays," Kaplan said. "A lot of them file into the gift shop shell-shocked and just stagger around for a while, trying to get a grip before exiting the museum. The photography-book section is pretty secluded, and quite a few times I've found people squatting next to the oversized-hardcover shelf, just weeping."

Such behavior is understandable, Kaplan said, as the museum causes many visitors, especially those of Jewish heritage, to confront long-buried feelings about their history and come to terms with man's capacity for inhumanity toward his fellow man.

"It's natural for them to want to talk about what they just saw," Kaplan said. "I just wish 500 people a day didn't want to talk to me about it. Sometimes, they don't speak English and they still want to talk to me about it."

A native of Potomac, MD, Kaplan said her reasons for applying for a job at the museum "made sense at the time." After a year and a half at George Washington University, Kaplan decided last December to take a semester off, and she believed that working at the museum would be enriching, educational, and not too physically taxing.

"I didn't want to waitress like I did last summer," Kaplan said. "Then my mom's friend told me about an opening here. I'm Jewish, so I figured this would be a great job for me. Now I'm starting to think that makes it not such a great job for me. I'm at Emotional-Dumping-Ground Zero here."

Kaplan had thought about requesting a transfer to the museum's ticket desk but reconsidered.

"The people at the ticket desk deal with the pushy tourists screaming about the long wait, and they get paid 75 cents an hour less," Kaplan said. "Plus, they have to stare at that giant photo of Kristallnacht all day. If Anne Frank could survive in that attic all those years, I should be able to do five months behind this desk."

Workplace

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Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

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