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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion

BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally
came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last,"
said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks,
he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the
same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief,
saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a
lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers."

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