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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion

BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally
came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last,"
said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks,
he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the
same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief,
saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a
lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers."

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