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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion

BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally
came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last,"
said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks,
he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the
same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief,
saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a
lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers."

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