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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Home Burglary Reveals Rays Players' Horrible Living Situation

PORT CHARLOTTE, FL—While investigating the burglarized home of Tampa Bay Rays players Evan Longoria, David Price, and Reid Brignac last week, authorities were shocked by the dwelling's squalid living conditions, saying the house was "basically a rat-infested shithole." "Regardless of the Xbox games and the other junk that was stolen, the place had no running water, and the floors were covered in trash," a representative of the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office told reporters, adding that the only pieces of furniture were three bare mattresses; that even the walls were covered in dirt; and that each sink, including those in the bathrooms, contained stacks of dirty dishes. "There were no signs of toilet paper or any cleaning supplies. I'm surprised the burglar was able to grab enough stuff without vomiting, given the intense smell of human fecal matter." Though police do not currently have any leads, they have taken several steps toward finding a new home for Rays catcher John Jaso, who was found sleeping naked in the cellar.

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