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Home Burglary Reveals Rays Players' Horrible Living Situation

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Home Burglary Reveals Rays Players' Horrible Living Situation

PORT CHARLOTTE, FL—While investigating the burglarized home of Tampa Bay Rays players Evan Longoria, David Price, and Reid Brignac last week, authorities were shocked by the dwelling's squalid living conditions, saying the house was "basically a rat-infested shithole." "Regardless of the Xbox games and the other junk that was stolen, the place had no running water, and the floors were covered in trash," a representative of the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office told reporters, adding that the only pieces of furniture were three bare mattresses; that even the walls were covered in dirt; and that each sink, including those in the bathrooms, contained stacks of dirty dishes. "There were no signs of toilet paper or any cleaning supplies. I'm surprised the burglar was able to grab enough stuff without vomiting, given the intense smell of human fecal matter." Though police do not currently have any leads, they have taken several steps toward finding a new home for Rays catcher John Jaso, who was found sleeping naked in the cellar.

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