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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Home Burglary Reveals Rays Players' Horrible Living Situation

PORT CHARLOTTE, FL—While investigating the burglarized home of Tampa Bay Rays players Evan Longoria, David Price, and Reid Brignac last week, authorities were shocked by the dwelling's squalid living conditions, saying the house was "basically a rat-infested shithole." "Regardless of the Xbox games and the other junk that was stolen, the place had no running water, and the floors were covered in trash," a representative of the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office told reporters, adding that the only pieces of furniture were three bare mattresses; that even the walls were covered in dirt; and that each sink, including those in the bathrooms, contained stacks of dirty dishes. "There were no signs of toilet paper or any cleaning supplies. I'm surprised the burglar was able to grab enough stuff without vomiting, given the intense smell of human fecal matter." Though police do not currently have any leads, they have taken several steps toward finding a new home for Rays catcher John Jaso, who was found sleeping naked in the cellar.

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