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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Home-Buying Tips

Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.

  • The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now.
  • Under no circumstances should you buy a home that does not contain children. A house is not a home without them.
  • Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater.
  • Unless the deal is too good to be true and must happen right away, always have the house examined by a professional appraiser.
  • Don’t limit your search to houses and apartments. Hovels, shacks, shanties, lean-tos, caves, wigwams, igloos, yurts, pup-tents, treehouses, and crawlspaces all sustain human life slightly longer than direct exposure to the elements.
  • If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.
  • On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.
  • If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
  • When looking at a house your wife doesn’t like, don’t let the real-estate agent pressure you with “whipping” sounds.
  • Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC’s “Shake Your Foundations” as loud as possible. If the house isn’t rocked to the ground, it’s a solid house.
  • Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.
  • After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.
  • If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie’s dreams.
  • Just buy the first house you see. They’re all pretty good.

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