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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Home-Buying Tips

Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.

  • The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now.
  • Under no circumstances should you buy a home that does not contain children. A house is not a home without them.
  • Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater.
  • Unless the deal is too good to be true and must happen right away, always have the house examined by a professional appraiser.
  • Don’t limit your search to houses and apartments. Hovels, shacks, shanties, lean-tos, caves, wigwams, igloos, yurts, pup-tents, treehouses, and crawlspaces all sustain human life slightly longer than direct exposure to the elements.
  • If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.
  • On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.
  • If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
  • When looking at a house your wife doesn’t like, don’t let the real-estate agent pressure you with “whipping” sounds.
  • Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC’s “Shake Your Foundations” as loud as possible. If the house isn’t rocked to the ground, it’s a solid house.
  • Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.
  • After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.
  • If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie’s dreams.
  • Just buy the first house you see. They’re all pretty good.

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