ARIES: You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.
- The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now.
- Under no circumstances should you buy a home that does not contain children. A house is not a home without them.
- Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater.
- Unless the deal is too good to be true and must happen right away, always have the house examined by a professional appraiser.
- Don’t limit your search to houses and apartments. Hovels, shacks, shanties, lean-tos, caves, wigwams, igloos, yurts, pup-tents, treehouses, and crawlspaces all sustain human life slightly longer than direct exposure to the elements.
- If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.
- On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.
- If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
- When looking at a house your wife doesn’t like, don’t let the real-estate agent pressure you with “whipping” sounds.
- Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC’s “Shake Your Foundations” as loud as possible. If the house isn’t rocked to the ground, it’s a solid house.
- Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.
- After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.
- If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie’s dreams.
- Just buy the first house you see. They’re all pretty good.