Home-Buying Tips

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Home-Buying Tips

Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.

  • The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now.

  • Under no circumstances should you buy a home that does not contain children. A house is not a home without them.
  • Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater.
  • Unless the deal is too good to be true and must happen right away, always have the house examined by a professional appraiser.
  • Don't limit your search to houses and apartments. Hovels, shacks, shanties, lean-tos, caves, wigwams, igloos, yurts, pup-tents, treehouses, and crawlspaces all sustain human life slightly longer than direct exposure to the elements.
  • If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.
  • On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.
  • If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
  • When looking at a house your wife doesn't like, don't let the real-estate agent pressure you with "whipping" sounds.
  • Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC's "Shake Your Foundations" as loud as possible. If the house isn't rocked to the ground, it's a solid house.
  • Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.
  • After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.
  • If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie's dreams.
  • Just buy the first house you see. They're all pretty good.