Home-Buying Tips

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Home-Buying Tips

Buying a home is one of the biggest investments a person makes in life. Here are some tips to help you make the right decision.

  • The first step in buying a new home is having much more money than you do now.
  • Under no circumstances should you buy a home that does not contain children. A house is not a home without them.
  • Avoid purchasing a home that is on fire or underwater.
  • Unless the deal is too good to be true and must happen right away, always have the house examined by a professional appraiser.
  • Don’t limit your search to houses and apartments. Hovels, shacks, shanties, lean-tos, caves, wigwams, igloos, yurts, pup-tents, treehouses, and crawlspaces all sustain human life slightly longer than direct exposure to the elements.
  • If you find a house containing a cool toy truck, remember: The truck may be going with the family that moves out.
  • On any house purchase, be sure to save the receipt in case anything goes wrong.
  • If you are a black family, try to move into an all-white neighborhood. Your arrival will drive property values down, saving your white neighbors a substantial amount in property taxes and making them your friends overnight.
  • When looking at a house your wife doesn’t like, don’t let the real-estate agent pressure you with “whipping” sounds.
  • Check the foundation of a house by playing AC/DC’s “Shake Your Foundations” as loud as possible. If the house isn’t rocked to the ground, it’s a solid house.
  • Make sure the neighborhood has a good high school, one close enough to see with a telescope.
  • After becoming a homeowner, be prepared to see your political ideology swing violently to the right.
  • If you cannot afford the home of your dreams, perhaps you can afford the home of Barbie’s dreams.
  • Just buy the first house you see. They’re all pretty good.